Lube

The pitch was right over the plate, I swung, so sue me.

Hell’s Kitchen Episodes Ten and Eleven: Mass Exodus

                If you’re a fan of Hell’s Kitchen, last week was a treat.  A double dose of love, Gordon Ramsay style.  If you like watching good chefs cook and genuine, good people in front of the TV camera, last week was excruciating.  This recap may be a bit longer because of the inclusion of both episodes, but bear with me, it’s a fun time had by all (except for Ramsay…naturally).

                When last we left off, Ramsay was “not done” in terms of sending people home.  He made good on his promise this week as douchey hair grand champion was sent packing.  This is tantamount to a mercy killing in my book though as that poor bastard was just floundering for the last few weeks.  I believe it all got to be too much for him and with a fresh start, in a place without the kind of intense pressure/scrutiny of a Gordon Ramsay operation, douchey hair grand champion will thrive.  I give him a lot of credit for trying to turn things around, for taking a drastic step like shaving off something that had been his trademark, just to kickstart his abilities.  It didn’t work and he got sent home…c’est la vie.

                The reward challenge this episode included making a dish that is not only delicious, but visually appealing as well.  To judge the dish, Ramsay invited back a big cheese from People Magazine.  The winning team would be featured in the magazine and the best overall dish from the winning team would also find its way into the magazine along with a spotlight on the chef who made it.  The catch here is that Ramsay was only going to choose the three best looking dishes from each team (out of five) to evaluate their taste.  The dishes all look visually appealing, except for old guy’s stuffed lobster.  I have to agree with Ramsay here, it looked like an alien, like it was going to jump up off the plate and attach to your face.  I understand what he was trying to do, and maybe that looks good in Boston, but everywhere else, it’s just silly.  In my opinion, if it’s not edible, something that large should not be on the plate.  It’s one thing to have a lobster tail with the meat attached, it’s another to serve a lobster dish in the hollowed out lobster carcass.  You’re better than that old guy; get your head in the game.

                Surprise, surprise, the girls win again.  It’s not even the guys shooting themselves in the foot this time, they straight up got out-cooked.  The only one that didn’t was Mr. Mohawk, who had the highest rated dish of the entire competition, but didn’t make it into the magazine because his team lost.  Mr. Mohawk is setting himself up as a frontrunner right now.  No one else, in either kitchen, seems to be as consistent as he is, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is the last guy standing on a team full of girls.  The ultimate winner is squeaky voice as her dish is deemed the best of the three that gets put up.  She is also someone that I can see making it to the end, and if the final showdown is between her and Mr. Mohawk, I would be okay with that.  The girls head off to their reward while the guys get the “pleasure” of doing the annual dorm cleanup.  This is one of the worst punishments, and at this point I have a feeling that the chefs on this show just do stupid shit in the dorms in the hopes that their team doesn’t get stuck with the cleanup punishment.

                Speaking of that, when the guys were stripping the beds of their linens, they found half eaten cookies in one of the beds.  I’ll give you three guesses as to which of the women sleep eats…yup, you guessed it right on the first try!  They even showed a video of fat black girl doing it.  She is just everything that is wrong with humanity.  The guys finish their dirty job, and the girls come back, all made up from their photo shoot.  They look good and you can tell that the guys are paying a bit more attention to them than they normally would.  Everyone settles in to a relaxing night out of the kitchen when they get a phone call from Ramsay, telling them to come to his office as he has an announcement to make.  While Hell’s Kitchen is closed in terms of regular dinner service that night, Ramsay is opening it up for a special dinner for two tables of twelve.  They are honoring returning members of the Army and their families.  Should be easy, right?  One table of twelve for each kitchen, five total courses, with each chef taking the reins on a course.  What could go wrong?

                The dinner service is actually pretty well done, with the main issues being the fact that loud guy and old guy do not work well together, to the point that loud guy actually purposefully sabotages old guy with cold lobster for his lobster spaghetti.  That is the only real problem all night in the blue kitchen.  Over in the red kitchen however, the night starts out poorly when fat black girl decides to add more water to her pasta pot.  That’s okay in theory, but she adds cold water to the pot and then places the pasta in.  Anyone that knows anything about cooking knows that that just doesn’t work.  Not only does cold water not cook anything, but leaving pasta in there as it heats up is not good for the pasta either.  The red kitchen is falling behind (both tables of twelve need to be served together, prompting the two kitchens to need to talk to each other) and Ramsay actually has to step in and show the girls how to boil water quickly (tightly wrapping the top of the pot in aluminum foil) just so they can get the dish out on time.  Of course the fact that loud guy is a moron and is doing more harm than good to old guy’s pasta dish helps the red kitchen get their dishes out slightly ahead of the blue kitchen.  And, of course, one of the plates in the blue kitchen comes back with way underdone spaghetti.  Old guy gets on it quickly, but then loud guy sabotages him, which means that the remaining lobster spaghetti exits the kitchen around three courses too late (it does exit though, small victory!)

                The other courses go up without incident, which is nice to see, for once.  The final course is steak, which if you’ve been paying attention is no slam dunk for these chefs.  The blue kitchen handles the steak just fine, but the red kitchen, led by blonde dumbass on the steak entrée, is having even more trouble.  She needs more time, asking the blue kitchen for an additional seven minutes of time, which the blue kitchen grants her.  She then realizes the steak still won’t be done and asks the blue kitchen for five more minutes, something the guys can’t do without sending up overdone meat.  Ramsay lays into her with the usual “get your head out of your ass” speak and she eventually gets her steak out.

                Ramsay is not happy with the service though (even though by these chefs’ standards this was a success) and so each team has to nominate one person to go up.  The red team chooses fat black girl because asking for more time on steak is not nearly as rookie of a mistake as trying to boil pasta in cold water.  The best part is, fat black girl gets all upset about being put up, like she didn’t do anything wrong!  This girl is delusional, and how she is even still in the competition I don’t know.  The guys choose to put old guy up, though it was really close between him and loud guy.  Of course when loud guy hears his name come up as a possibility he flies off the handle.  I fucking hate that guy.  At elimination, when Ramsay hears of loud guy’s sabotage, he invites him up with old guy and fat black girl.  Ramsay then sends old guy home.  This sucks, and you can see that Ramsay respects old guy because we see our first handshake of the season upon elimination.  Old guy was not the best chef there, and just about every dinner service he made at least one mistake, but he was not the worst, and better yet, aside from that one blow up a couple weeks ago, he played the game with integrity and class.  You will be missed, old guy.  Please join me in pouring one out for him.  May he come back and kick ass when it’s time for the final two to choose their brigades.

                Wait, I’m at over 1400 words and that’s just the first hour?  Christ.  I told you this would take awhile.  Strap in for hour two!

                The remaining chefs head back up to the dorms to get some sleep after the elimination of old guy (pour one out!) and are rudely awoke at around 430am by Ramsay’s two assistants blaring air horns and banging on pots.  It’s fun to see people aroused from their slumber in the meanest way possible.  The only thing that was missing was having a large bucket of ice water dumped on them…maybe next week.  Everyone is summoned downstairs because it is time for the annual tradition of having the teams create their own menus.  They have a short amount of time to actually come up with the ideas for four appetizers, four entrees and two desserts, then they need to utilize all the prep time to not only prep all of the ingredients for the dishes but make samples for Ramsay to taste and judge.   This goes great for the blue team as their menu is incredibly well received by Ramsay (to the point of being a surprise to everyone).  The red team just does a piss-poor job of devising a diverse and appetizing menu.  It doesn’t help that fat black girl decided to devote all of her time to her gumbo dish and didn’t help out her teammates, but still, the blue team put together a good menu with four people, the red team should be able to as well.  Ramsay asks them to alter their dishes a bit, to make them more appealing in the short time before dinner service (he doesn’t really ask so much as demand, but to him that’s kind of like asking). 

                Because the menus are their own, there is a heightened sense of responsibility, that they should be able to get the work done quickly and up to Ramsay’s standards because they aren’t cooking someone else’s dishes this time.  Each kitchen has minor issues to deal with during service, issues that should be corrected by now but aren’t like raw food going up, cold sauces, etc.  The blue team fails miserably though.  Their entire service is fraught with raw food.  Loud guy sends up raw pork, snooty stringbean two sends up raw fish, it’s sad, and contributes to Ramsay labeling them the losing team.  It should also be noted that snooty stringbean two, after failing on multiple attempts to correctly cook fish, is sent on a timeout at the bar.  An actual timeout, with a timer and everything!  This begs the question, why have they not tried to shoehorn Ramsay’s talents into a show about a struggling daycare?  I would watch the shit out of Ramsay calling a four year old a “fucking donkey”.  The blue team is tasked with coming to a consensus as to the one person that should be going home.  While they are deliberating this, the red team is called into Ramsay’s office and is given the assignment of finding one person to switch to the blue team (as that team will be down to three members as opposed to the five on the red). 

                Everyone on the red team wants to look like a leader, so they all volunteer for this assignment.  After drawing names out of a hat it’s mixed up Cyndi that gets the boot over to the sinking blue ship.  Of course when Ramsay asks the red team if they came to a consensus, something that he required for this decision, they say no and explain that they drew a name out of a hat.  Just say yes!  Damn.  Don’t make things harder on yourself by everyone trying to look like the hero.  This pisses Ramsay off to no end because it’s clear that they cannot take direction.  This is even worse because right before that, the blue team proved that they were also incapable of the simple task of coming to a consensus.  The votes were split down the middle, two for loud guy because he is a terrible person and two for snooty stringbean two because he kept sending up crap fish.  Ramsay is pissed at this turn of events, and sends snooty stringbean two home.  At this point it is incredibly apparent that loud guy is being kept around because he is an instigator.  He is the Elise for this season (the mouthy bitch that loved to cause trouble a few years ago that somehow stayed around until nearly the end). That is the only way that he can be put up for elimination three straight times, be reviled by his teammates, lie to Ramsay about all the dishes on the menu being his idea, and still come out unscathed.  That’s not even counting the stupid alter ego he came up with for himself (which I do not care enough to remember, to tell you the truth).  Loud guy is like a cockroach, he just won’t die. 

                This week fat black girl loses her cool and someone from the past may be let back in the competition.  I don’t know what’s going on, all I do know is that reaction shots of the current chefs show them all with wide eyes, so this has to be good…right?  Please? 

                See you next week!

*Edit - If you are following along at home, please note that Hell's Kitchen looks to have moved to Thursdays at 8pm on Fox for at least the next two weeks.  I'll still update on Tuesdays just in case it moves back, but if you want to watch it yourself, please note the time change.

Album Review: Black Sabbath – Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973)

Overview: 

                This album was a bit more “complicated” than its predecessors.  By that, I mean that where the other albums were straightforward metal, Sabbath introduced synthesizers and string arrangements here that altered their sound a bit.  This is not the same Black Sabbath that you were used to hearing on the previous albums.  This was a more ambitious record, one that was actually well received by music critics (a first for Sabbath back then!) and was not as “doom and gloom” as the first four records.

Tracks you may know: 

“Sabbath Bloody Sabbath”:  That opening guitar lick, followed by Ozzy’s wail.  Good lord.  This is probably the closest that the entire album gets to its predecessors, and is the purest “Sabbath-Sound” on the record. 

“Sabbra Cadabra”:  Opens with great, fast, kind of bluesy riffing, just faster than you would expect.  This is Sabbath at its best.  Between the slow, methodical title track and the speedier “Sabbra Cadabra” it runs the gamut of Sabbath’s past.  The synthesizer break isn’t anything write home about, and the inclusion of the keyboard is not entirely necessary, but when it rocks, it rocks hard and fast, as it should.

Tracks you should know:

“Spiral Architect”:  This is a song that utilizes more than just the traditional bass-drums-guitar formula of previous Sabbath songs, and does so in a grand way.  It’s an epic song and feels like one of the most genuinely uplifting tracks of the entire Sabbath catalog.  It’s a departure from the band’s tradition and may not be for everyone, but it is an interesting bit of experimentation. 

My personal favorite:

“Sabbra Cadabra”:  It’s light and fun while also being fast and heavy.  Each musician is on top of their game on this track (even Ozzy doesn’t sound like he’s reaching too far beyond his vocal comfort zone like he does on much of the album) and it just creates a great track.

Album rating: 

                This is not as complete of an album of the first three as a couple of the songs fall into more of a “filler” category.  It is a generally enjoyable album though and yields an instant classic in “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath”.

6/10

Crash Helmet

That's one thing that always used to happen with our wiener dog, Cash.  He loved to jump but he could rarely reach his destination without assistance.  That being said, owners of wiener dogs, be wary of this because of the wear and tear on their back.  Poor Cash wound up in a wheelchair in part because of his constant jumping on and off furniture.  If it wasn't for a miraculous recovery he would still be in his wheelchair today.

Crockpot

This is in no way a suggestion to try shoving your own dog in a crockpot, not that the Humane Society reads Eat @ Shrimpy's or anything but crazier things have happened (big shout out to all those looking for midget porn that found this site instead!)

Comic Review - He-Man and the Masters of the Universe #2

                First of all, do not confuse this with the earlier review I did for He-Man comics from DC.  That was a limited series that apparently sold so well (it’s hard to imagine why) that it was turned into a regular series, now on its second issue.  Let’s see if this one is any better than the previous one (with pretty much the same creative team).

Cover:

                While I’m not a huge fan of the character redesigns, I like the cover itself.  This whole grim and gritty thing just doesn’t work for me on this particular title, and the character designs are a big part of that.  The cover by Howard Porter works very well as the villains definitely look imposing as they are crushing the titular hero.  However, the characters that are crushing the hero are Skeletor’s minions…that are nowhere to be found in the issue at all, so that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense in terms of relating to the interiors. They are partnered with Adora, who is part of the Horde (Hordak’s gang) so that makes even less sense as to why this pairing would happen.  I kind of understand that the rest of the Horde has yet to be revealed and you may not want to do that on a cover, but stranger things have happened.   That being said, with what Porter is given , he does a great job of making it dynamic as well as highlighting Adora, who is the villain but will probably become the star of the book when she switches to She-Ra.  How does he do this you ask?  Look at the strategic placement of the swords held by He-Man, Adora and Tri-Clops.  I didn’t catch it at first but it is absolutely there.  The coloring is a little too muted, and doesn’t do much to pop, but it’s definitely better than many I have seen. 

6/10 – Good, not great but faaaaar better than the cover for the previous issue two.  I would like to see this as a print as I have a feeling that once the logos and corporate bullshit is removed and we can see all of the characters it will be even more impressive.

Story:

                 I have not been a fan of Keith Giffen’s treatment of these characters from the get-go.  The story in the limited series was creative and interesting enough to at least cause me to consider (along with my loyalty to the character) picking up this series.  However he seems to be repeating that story here, just with a different villain and showing us more of the setup.  Heroes are outmanned and outmuscled by their opponents and after getting beaten down, they must fight back.  That’s it.  The only difference between the two is that he had to give the characters amnesia in the limited series so that he could find a reason to reintroduce them all.  He doesn’t have to do that here so instead we get to see the conflict from the beginning.  Let me guess the next story arc, villains attack and overtake the heroes who in turn have to band together to mount a resistance.  Nailed it.

                Not only do we get a recycled plot, we are subjected to characters that are not themselves.  If Giffen was to write Superman and he didn’t sound like Superman, DC would throw a fit (especially with the movie coming out), but he can write Teela as a dumbass bitch and it’s okay?  She has always been written as a strong-willed take no prisoners kind of character, which is what always put her at odds with Adam who when he wasn’t He-Man was a slack-ass act before you think kind of guy.  When she goes on a tirade in this issue about how she wishes that anyone but Mekaneck would have escaped the city massacre because his powers aren’t “useful” it reeks of either Giffen not understanding the characters or he is using Teela as a mouthpiece to make fun of the property itself (something he also does when He-Man says that Hordak and people from another dimension are silly, to which King Randor states that a lot of things on Eternia are silly too).  I understand what he could be doing in both instances, Teela could be knocking Mekaneck down so that he can swoop in and save the day later in the arc, and Randor could be telling the audience that just because things seem silly doesn’t make them not real.  The problem is that the delivery is way off, particularly with the fact that the “old” Teela would be thinking of ways to utilize Mekaneck, not belittle him; plus Giffen has done so much to bastardize this property up to this point that it’s hard to take this as anything but a mocking tone. 

1/10 – The story would be fine if I didn’t just see the same damn thing in the last mini-series.  The voices of the characters are all wrong as well.  They deserve so much better than that.

Art:

                The art by Pop Mahn is actually pretty good (and is a huge step up from where it was at the beginning of the limited series.  I think the fact that the hair is not inked but is just colored with an outline that is the same color as the hair (it’s hard to describe, but take a look at it and you’ll see what I mean) is silly.  I’m not sure what it really brings to the table and if it is just a “style” thing, then it’s a style I find unimpressive.  The female characters look a little too skinny, unnaturally so and it doesn’t make sense how they can generate much power with such slight frames.  The sequence where Teela is grabbed and hurled off the roof is so unbelievable that I’m surprised it made it past the editor (ok, not really surprised) as it looks like Adora flicks her wrist and sends Teela hurtling off the rooftop.  

This sequence.  Also a great example of silly hair.

Was this poor storytelling on the part of the writer or the artist?  I have no idea, but it was probably the same guy that decided to have He-Man falling off a roof and then not show him landing, just already landed and picking himself up.  

Seriously, he goes from diving off a rooftop...to this.

An opportunity was missed to create an impact panel that could really show off He-Man’s power as he hurtled into the villains below, but what do I know, people actually pay you guys to create this stuff.

Oh hey, there's Battle Cat, not that He-Man notices.

It sounds like Randor may have thought his crown was a helmet, and upon testing that theory became a little brain damaged.  I can't say enough about how poorly these characters are written.

7/10 – More good but not great work.  Every piece of art I see pertaining to He-Man now just makes me miss Emiliano Santalucia’s work even more.

Overall:  4/10 – It could be good if they treated the title with the reverence that it deserved instead of as another cash grab.  Hey DC, leave licensed comics to the people that care about them.  

Album Review: Black Sabbath – Vol. 4 (1972)

Overview: 

                I’ll let you in on a little secret…I didn’t actually own Vol. 4 until a couple weeks ago.  I had heard it back when I was in high school, and it was always on my “to do” list in terms of albums to get, but I just hadn’t, and honestly if it wasn’t for this series, I may have gone longer without it.  This would have been a huge mistake though, as Vol. 4 is the last truly great Black Sabbath album, and is quickly becoming one of my favorites in the catalog. 

Tracks you may know: 

“Snowblind”:  This is the track that you always hear live or that many people associate with this album and the band because cocaine was pretty prevalent in their lives around the time this was written.  This is a great song and fits in really well with the rest of the album in terms of the overall tempo and the way it has sped everything up while staying gloomy.

“Changes”:  Ozzy and a piano, who knew?  This is a well known track probably more because of its break from the norm than anything else.  It’s “Mama I’m Coming Home” before Sharon was around to write for.  Regardless of the fact that it’s not a track you commonly associate with Sabbath, it’s one of their best.

Tracks you should know:

“Wheels of Confusion-The Straighteneer”:  The opening track to the album is like visiting an old friend.  It’s a speedy little song that is prototypical Sabbath.  It’s a quality tune and sets the stage for an album that serves as a great follow-up to Master of Reality.

“Laguna Sunrise”: No vocals, no problem!  This is just an exercise in the master guitar player that Tony Iommi is.  It’s soothing and actually quite interesting.  It feels like the kind of song you would put on in your convertible while driving around Southern California in 1972.

My personal favorite:

“Supernaut”:  There are so many to choose from on this album, but “Supernaut” is just a prototypical Sabbath tune that is hard to find any fault with.  A killer riff combined with a guitar solo (and a mid-song drum solo) that make this one of the standouts of the album.

Album rating: 

Not too much filler here (except for maybe “FX”).  Sabbath is still at their creative peak and it shows.  Unfortunately that peak doesn’t last too much longer.

8/10