You
know that feeling of emptiness inside?
That hollowness inside that just won’t go away? That’s because you read the last Guardians of
the Galaxy recap last week. “What do I
do now?” you may ask. Well, first things
first, we are going to tie up some loose ends for our favorite Guardians (and
our non-favorite, Vance, that douche) and try to figure out some of the dangling
plot threads that the Guardians team left when they ended the series, maybe
even coming up with an idea or two of our own for the characters in the
process. So join me, if you will, for a
heaping load of speculation and probably a lot more fun than the actual
reviews.
First we’ll list the characters,
tell you where they were at the end of the last issue and try to deduce a
future for them.
Vance Astro:
When last we met- Vance
was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta ,
Yondu and Nikki.
Where he is now-
Everyone left Vance because they couldn’t stand his attitude. With no one else left to have pointless
arguments with, Vance started to fight with himself, or more specifically, his symbiotic
suit. Eventually that left too, preferring
the sweet sweet release of death (because it no longer had a host) to being
attached to Vance any longer. Vance died
shortly thereafter as he aged 1000 years in about twenty minutes. Parades were thrown around the galaxy.
Charlie-27:
When last we met- Charlie was stranded on a random planet
with Vance, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.
Where he is now- Charlie
wound up with Nikki, and they were happy for quite awhile together. Nikki, however, started to go a little crazy
as they were unable to go anywhere or see anyone new. Charlie put up with it for a long time, going
so far as to pretend little rock formations were their children. Charlie eventually got fed up with this and
took off one night when Nikki was asleep.
He walked, and continued to walk until he died from a mixture of dehydration
and just plain exhaustion.
Yondu:
When last we met- Yondu was stranded on a random planet with
Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Vance and Nikki.
Where he is now- Yondu retreated completely to the spiritual
plane of existence, leaving his physical body behind. Here he achieved a level of clarity and
omniscience that he had not attained before.
Yondu never really died as, at the end, he never really was alive. He actually became a bit of a saint, and took
the place of Anthos as the deity of his people (when it was finally revealed to
everyone that Anthos was indeed just Thanos in disguise).
Martinex:
When last we met- Martinex was stranded on a random planet
with Charlie, Vance, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.
Where he is now- Martinex spent years trying to fix
Mainframe and get him operational again so that they could all leave the
desolate planet they had crashed into.
While searching for a fuel source within some caves in the planet,
Martinex was buried alive amidst the rubble where he slowly died, cursing Vance
the whole time.
Mainframe:
When last we met- Mainframe crashed on a random planet with
Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu, Vance and Nikki.
Where he is now- Still in the wreckage on that random
planet. What little energy he had left
he used to spy on Nikki and Charlie “playing house”. Mainframe was always kind of a creeper.
Hollywood:
When last we met- Hollywood was stranded on a random planet
with Charlie, Martinex, Vance, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.
Where he is now- Hollywood, realizing he was supremely
powerful, especially compared to all these other whackadoos, took off. He was tired of fighting so he just went back
to Earth and opened a Whole Foods in Manhattan.
It was a thriving business with all of the early 3000’s hipsters and
foodies. Because Hollywood never aged, he
never gave up the business and just kept stocking shelves forever.
Starhawk:
When last we met- Starhawk was flying away with his mommy,
Kismet, to find and defeat Era.
Where he is now- He found and defeated Era, but his mother
perished in the process. Starhawk was
rightfully tore up about this and erected a tribute to his parents on a distant
planet…that was then eaten by Galactus.
Starhawk, as is his nature, began his lifecycle over again, and
continues to do so.
Talon:
When last we met- Talon was meditating.
Where he is now- It took quite awhile for Talon to regain
his composure enough to be deemed worthy of the power that Krugarr stripped him
of. After that he found himself summoned
to the Maury Povich Show where he contested his child’s legitimacy, saying you
couldn’t get pregnant if you were raped.
Starhawk showed up, said the baby was his, said he knew because he’s the
“one who knows” and left. Once it was
proven, Talon did the right thing, and smothered the child in his sleep. Rancor tried to rape him again but found out
that Talon had removed his own genitalia with a butter knife to ensure he was
never raped again. Talon faded into
obscurity, doing slight of hand magic in local bars until a talent agent found
him. Talon performed a David
Blaine-esque stunt that forced him to be eaten alive by a space shark yet
somehow be regurgitated whole. Suffice
it to say, it didn’t go as planned, and he never was regurgitated. The ratings were through the roof though.
Nikki:
When last we met- Nikki was stranded on a random planet with
Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Vance.
Where she is now- Nikki and Charlie ended up together, and
to ensure that, Nikki hid them away from prying eyes. They never did escape the planet, but they
settled down and had a nice family together nonetheless. They obviously never found the lost Jovian colony,
but that brought the two of them closer together because they truly were the
last of their races. As crazy as Nikki
could be at times, Charlie really loved her and would do anything for her,
including pretending the random rock formations were their children as she
drifted deeper and deeper into psychosis.
Aleta:
When last we met- Aleta was stranded on a random planet with
Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Vance , Yondu and Nikki.
Where she is now- Aleta realized that she was more powerful
than everyone else on that rock and took off.
She left Vance there because he’s a giant douche and lived the rest of
her life traveling the cosmos, hooking up with random cosmic deities. She never forgot her dead children, and would
never have any more children of her own despite her many dalliances with the
likes of The Silver Surfer and the 3007 Chicago Bears football team.
Yellowjacket:
When last we met- Yellowjacket had time-traveled home to the
present day.
Where she is now- Yellowjacket fell on hard times while
trying to readjust to present day living.
She became a drunk and would often fight against the Avengers saying “that’s
not how Vance would do it”. She pined
away for Cuchulain and spent most of her time in Ireland looking for him. Yellowjacket died at the age of 45, the victim
of an ill-placed bug zapper.
Fear
not, true believers, for after the conclusion of the original series in 1995,
you only had to wait a short twenty three years for the next incarnation of the
Guardians to emerge. Of course this team
was only the Guardians in name as their roster was completely different. If you
want the original Guardians, then the
Guardians 3000 book is more your
speed. While the story does not pick up
where the original series ended in 1995 (I’m assuming) it does have the core
group intact. Of course the art is by a
clone of Joe Madureira, and I have problems with people that can’t draw things
for themselves, so I haven’t read it. If
you don’t mind the fact that the art is devoid of both originality and
backgrounds, then by all means, grab it and let me know how it is.
Next
week we’ll be diving into another old series and seeing how the story and art
hold up over time. Come on back to see
what it is!
