Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) Post-Mortem

                You know that feeling of emptiness inside?  That hollowness inside that just won’t go away?  That’s because you read the last Guardians of the Galaxy recap last week.  “What do I do now?” you may ask.  Well, first things first, we are going to tie up some loose ends for our favorite Guardians (and our non-favorite, Vance, that douche) and try to figure out some of the dangling plot threads that the Guardians team left when they ended the series, maybe even coming up with an idea or two of our own for the characters in the process.  So join me, if you will, for a heaping load of speculation and probably a lot more fun than the actual reviews.

First we’ll list the characters, tell you where they were at the end of the last issue and try to deduce a future for them. 

Vance Astro:

When last we met-  Vance was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.

Where he is now-  Everyone left Vance because they couldn’t stand his attitude.  With no one else left to have pointless arguments with, Vance started to fight with himself, or more specifically, his symbiotic suit.  Eventually that left too, preferring the sweet sweet release of death (because it no longer had a host) to being attached to Vance any longer.  Vance died shortly thereafter as he aged 1000 years in about twenty minutes.  Parades were thrown around the galaxy. 

Charlie-27:

When last we met- Charlie was stranded on a random planet with Vance, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.

Where he is now-  Charlie wound up with Nikki, and they were happy for quite awhile together.  Nikki, however, started to go a little crazy as they were unable to go anywhere or see anyone new.  Charlie put up with it for a long time, going so far as to pretend little rock formations were their children.  Charlie eventually got fed up with this and took off one night when Nikki was asleep.  He walked, and continued to walk until he died from a mixture of dehydration and just plain exhaustion.  

Yondu:

When last we met- Yondu was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Vance and Nikki.

Where he is now- Yondu retreated completely to the spiritual plane of existence, leaving his physical body behind.  Here he achieved a level of clarity and omniscience that he had not attained before.  Yondu never really died as, at the end, he never really was alive.  He actually became a bit of a saint, and took the place of Anthos as the deity of his people (when it was finally revealed to everyone that Anthos was indeed just Thanos in disguise).

Martinex:

When last we met- Martinex was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Vance, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.

Where he is now- Martinex spent years trying to fix Mainframe and get him operational again so that they could all leave the desolate planet they had crashed into.  While searching for a fuel source within some caves in the planet, Martinex was buried alive amidst the rubble where he slowly died, cursing Vance the whole time.

Mainframe:

When last we met- Mainframe crashed on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu, Vance and Nikki.

Where he is now- Still in the wreckage on that random planet.  What little energy he had left he used to spy on Nikki and Charlie “playing house”.  Mainframe was always kind of a creeper.

Hollywood:

When last we met- Hollywood was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Vance, Aleta , Yondu and Nikki.

Where he is now- Hollywood, realizing he was supremely powerful, especially compared to all these other whackadoos, took off.  He was tired of fighting so he just went back to Earth and opened a Whole Foods in Manhattan.  It was a thriving business with all of the early 3000’s hipsters and foodies.  Because Hollywood never aged, he never gave up the business and just kept stocking shelves forever.

Starhawk:

When last we met- Starhawk was flying away with his mommy, Kismet, to find and defeat Era.

Where he is now- He found and defeated Era, but his mother perished in the process.  Starhawk was rightfully tore up about this and erected a tribute to his parents on a distant planet…that was then eaten by Galactus.  Starhawk, as is his nature, began his lifecycle over again, and continues to do so.

Talon:

When last we met- Talon was meditating.

Where he is now- It took quite awhile for Talon to regain his composure enough to be deemed worthy of the power that Krugarr stripped him of.  After that he found himself summoned to the Maury Povich Show where he contested his child’s legitimacy, saying you couldn’t get pregnant if you were raped.  Starhawk showed up, said the baby was his, said he knew because he’s the “one who knows” and left.  Once it was proven, Talon did the right thing, and smothered the child in his sleep.  Rancor tried to rape him again but found out that Talon had removed his own genitalia with a butter knife to ensure he was never raped again.  Talon faded into obscurity, doing slight of hand magic in local bars until a talent agent found him.  Talon performed a David Blaine-esque stunt that forced him to be eaten alive by a space shark yet somehow be regurgitated whole.  Suffice it to say, it didn’t go as planned, and he never was regurgitated.  The ratings were through the roof though.

Nikki:

When last we met- Nikki was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Aleta , Yondu and Vance.

Where she is now- Nikki and Charlie ended up together, and to ensure that, Nikki hid them away from prying eyes.  They never did escape the planet, but they settled down and had a nice family together nonetheless.  They obviously never found the lost Jovian colony, but that brought the two of them closer together because they truly were the last of their races.  As crazy as Nikki could be at times, Charlie really loved her and would do anything for her, including pretending the random rock formations were their children as she drifted deeper and deeper into psychosis.

Aleta:

When last we met- Aleta was stranded on a random planet with Charlie, Martinex, Hollywood, Vance , Yondu and Nikki.

Where she is now- Aleta realized that she was more powerful than everyone else on that rock and took off.  She left Vance there because he’s a giant douche and lived the rest of her life traveling the cosmos, hooking up with random cosmic deities.  She never forgot her dead children, and would never have any more children of her own despite her many dalliances with the likes of The Silver Surfer and the 3007 Chicago Bears football team.

Yellowjacket:

When last we met- Yellowjacket had time-traveled home to the present day.

Where she is now- Yellowjacket fell on hard times while trying to readjust to present day living.  She became a drunk and would often fight against the Avengers saying “that’s not how Vance would do it”.  She pined away for Cuchulain and spent most of her time in Ireland looking for him.  Yellowjacket died at the age of 45, the victim of an ill-placed bug zapper.

                Fear not, true believers, for after the conclusion of the original series in 1995, you only had to wait a short twenty three years for the next incarnation of the Guardians to emerge.  Of course this team was only the Guardians in name as their roster was completely different.  If  you want the original Guardians, then the Guardians 3000 book is more your speed.  While the story does not pick up where the original series ended in 1995 (I’m assuming) it does have the core group intact.  Of course the art is by a clone of Joe Madureira, and I have problems with people that can’t draw things for themselves, so I haven’t read it.  If you don’t mind the fact that the art is devoid of both originality and backgrounds, then by all means, grab it and let me know how it is.

                Next week we’ll be diving into another old series and seeing how the story and art hold up over time.  Come on back to see what it is!

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #62

                This is it, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (okay, at least I know I have)!  The final issue of the Guardians of the Galaxy.  We open with the conclusion of the Starhawk parentage saga (why you would spend the majority of your final issues on one character I have no idea).  When last we saw Starhawk he had just been shot by a Pathbreaker robot on the outskirts of the planet where Starhawk’s mother, known as Kismet, was last seen.  Of course, this is the all-powerful Starhawk we’re talking about, so he makes short work of the robot and heads down to the planet’s surface.  There, he meets his mother, still alive and well, and hasn’t aged a day.  Even though she is not supposed to leave the convent, Starhawk whisks her away anyway.

                As they are flying off, Starhawk tells his mother what happened to his father and as soon as he mentions Eon, she gets pissed because apparently Eon took Starhawk away from her as soon as he was born.  With that, Eon’s son Era, who looks just like Eon (who is apparently a girl!?), shows up and tries to kill both Starhawk and Kismet.  They fight until Era decides he’s had enough and just leaves.  The Hawk God then shows up to tell Starhawk that Era has been behind all of the nasty stuff that has happened to him and that the Hawk God is willing to help Starhawk track him down.  Before they do that though, Starhawk and Kismet travel to visit the gravesite of Quasar.

                There you go.  The end of Starhawk’s quest.  What do you think?  Pretty underwhelming, right?  Can they do any better with the rest of the Guardians?  Let’s see.

                We start with the Guardians gathering on the Icarus (except for Talon, who is meditating and Yellowjacket who is now back in the present) along with Martinex and Hollywood.  Of course, as soon as Martinex shows up Vance gets into an argument with him again, because he’s terrible.  Nothing is mentioned of the lost colony of Jovians that Charlie was looking for, so I guess that plot thread is just going to dangle forever.  Instead, we get another War of the Worlds history lesson (with nothing new added by the way) except we find out that Mainframe has found a way to send them back in time to prevent the tragedy.

…

…

                Forgive me if I’m confused, but there are a couple inconsistencies here.  First, the Guardians went back in time once already, to the present day.  They went there to wipe out the Baddoon and prevent the genocides of their races (Charlie and Nikki, at least, Yondu and Martinex were not with the team at the time).  The ability to travel through time has apparently been around for quite some time.  Plus, on that trip, Vance refused to help them, and in fact sabotaged their mission, nearly resulting in the death of Charlie.  Now, all of a sudden he is fine with killing a large portion of the Martian population…as long as it saves his race.  Real nice.   Not only that, but Yellowjacket just traveled back in time as well, so this whole “waiting for Mainframe to figure out how to transport us through time” thing holds no water at all. 

                Whatever.  They go through time and use their vastly superior technology to destroy the Martian ships.  Seriously, it takes them no time at all, and Hollywood does half the work for them by destroying many of the ships with his bare hands.  How the Earth fell to the Martians in the first place is a mystery to me.  Just Wonder Man and Thor alone could have handled the entire fleet, not to mention any number of mutants or other heroes. 

                With the Martian fleet decimated, the Guardians begin their trip back home.  Unfortunately, they are being watched by Wormhole (remember him, the Inhuman bad guy that used to work for Loki) and he isn’t happy with them.  He creates a, wait for it, wormhole that sucks them in and drops them on an unknown, uncharted planet somewhere.

             

 And that’s it.  That’s the end.

What.  The.  Galactic. Fuck.

                Next week: A Guardians of the Galaxy Post-Mortem before we start the next review series. 

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #61

                Let’s jump right in, shall we?  With double the Talon in this issue, it sure makes me want to rush right out and read this issue.  Maybe Talon will argue with himself!

                We open on dead Starhawk (remember, he died last issue) as he is tumbling through…something and winds up seated at a cosmic breakfast table known as the White Room.  Apparently, every protector of the universe goes to the White Room when they die (to enter this club all you have to do is wear the Quantum Bands, once, for a short amount of time, hence Starhawk’s inclusion).  Here, Starhawk meets his dearly departed daddy, who knows nothing of him because Starhawk was born after his father had died.  You would think that they would be able to die and rest in peace, you know, considering the fact that they spent their lives protecting the galaxy, but no, now they have to stay in what amounts to purgatory, for eternity I’m assuming.  Well Starhawk is having none of that. 

 

Starhawk questions his father as to how he died and Quasar goes into great detail about not only his death but everything leading up to that, including the War of the Worlds (of course).  Quasar’s wife was pregnant with Starhawk at the time of the Martian attack, and Quasar, not wanting to expose his wife or unborn child to the Martian genocide spirited them away to a planet that is apparently one big nunnery.  Quasar then left them, travelling through space to get back to Earth to help fight the Martians, except he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and landed in front of The Abrogate, who promptly killed him like he just did to Starhawk.  Apparently no one can move from their seat once they enter the White Room (I’d be concerned about bed sores if they weren’t already dead) but Starhawk, in typical Starhawk fashion says to hell with the rules, gets up and leaves after he hears that he may have a mother out there still. 

 

After he leaves, the potted plant in the center of the table begins to grow and speak.  It turns out that that plant is Eon, but if that is Eon, who is the being that gave Starhawk the Quantum Bands two issues ago?  We’ll have to wait until next issue to find out.  For now, we catch up with Starhawk streaking across the cosmos to reach the nun planet that his mother is on.  As he enters its orbit though, he is confronted by a Pathbreaker robot, apparently they protect that planet from interlopers.  We’ll have to wait until next issue to see how that plays out though as it’s time to check in on Talon!

                Talon has spent his time away from the Guardians in search of his Amulet that he received from Dr. Strange.  His search brings him to a cave where he comes face to face with Krugarr, the Sorcerer Supreme who took the amulet from him in the first place.  Talon, begin the douche that he is, and not really getting the point as to why the amulet was withheld from him in the first place, attacks Krugarr.  This proves fruitless and Krugarr sics a Talon doppelganger (pre-transformation version) on him.  New Talon kills him and goes to take the amulet back before Krugarr wrests it away, proclaiming yet again that Talon is unworthy.  Get this, at this point, Talon agrees with him!  I have no idea why, or what really changed his mind, but it did.  Krugarr takes this opportunity to offer his congratulations as Talon is now a father (Rancor gave birth to their rape-baby), but instead of chasing down and killing Rancor, Talon rededicates himself to learning the mystic arts and controlling his animal side.  The issue closes with Krugarr telling Vance that Talon will not be rejoining the team anytime soon.

Next Issue: It’s the series finale as we get even more War of the Worlds fun.

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #60

                So last issue we learned that Starhawk’s father was Quasar.  This issue opens with the revelation that Quasar is dead.  Bummer.  After finding out this tidbit of information, Starhawk is confronted by the Silver Surfer, who wants his Quantum bands back so that he can resume his duties as protector of the universe and stop Galactus from eating everything.  Starhawk doesn’t want to give them up though as this is the closest he has got to finding out his origin.  And in grand Guardians tradition, they fight about it.

                They go back and forth, neither gaining the upper hand until…the Quantum bands just go back to the Silver Surfer anyway.  Apparently they always return to the protector of the universe, no matter what.  So, in another grand Guardians tradition, these two fought over absolutely nothing as the Surfer didn’t actually win the bands back.  The Surfer takes off and Starhawk enters another dimension where he encounters the Hawk God.  The Hawk God attacks and seriously wounds him…until Starhawk exits that dimension and then he is healed again.  

                That health is short lived though as he is approached by The Abrogate, apparently the same being that killed Quasar now kills Starhawk. 

                We leave Starhawk this issue and focus in on Yellowjacket who is being held captive by Slagg because of her association with Charlie.  He has done the smart thing of taking her pym particles from her so she can’t change her size, but he didn’t remove the “emergency pills” from her pouches (hey, those pouches aren’t just for show after all!)

                She defeats Slagg and then decides that she is leaving this timeline for good and going back to the “present day” (because apparently time travel is so commonplace now you can just purchase it like tickets to the opera). 

                Next Issue: Is Starhawk really dead?  Is Yellowjacket really gone?  Does anyone really care?

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #59

                In order for Starhawk to find out more about his parents, he first must save the Silver Surfer from the Saturnian Hound Hawks (they basically look like flying white cats) who are coming to feast on him.  Of course, this isn’t difficult for someone that travels at the speed of light, so he quickly avoids them.  That is the problem with any threat to many of the Guardians, especially Starhawk, he is so powerful that you never expect anything to really be his undoing. 

                After saving, then healing, the Surfer, Starhawk learns that the Surfer’s current condition has come at the hands of Galactus.  Apparently, even though that has been their arrangement, the Surfer finding sustenance for Galactus, Galactus is tired of the Surfer’s choices in terms of places to eat.  So, in grand Guardians tradition, Galactus just up and attacks the Surfer, and goes off to…find a new planet to devour I guess?

                While the Surfer is out of sorts, Starhawk notices the Quantum bands around his wrists and thinks that they might hold a clue as to his parents’ origins, and therefore his own.  However, it is not his place to touch the Quantum bands as they are supposed to be passed from the former to the new protector of the universe.  This is punctuated by Eon showing up and attacking him for even attempting to use the Quantum bands.  Eon tries to return Starhawk to his child-form but somehow Starhawk bypasses that and ages before Eon’s eyes until he is right back where we started.  I’m not sure if Eon is just not as powerful as we thought, or if Starhawk is more powerful than we thought, but this display changes Eon’s mind and he gives Starhawk the Quantum bands anyway.  So, again, a whole lot of fluff to get us to where we were going anyway.

                Starhawk was correct though, as placing the bands on his wrists shows him that his father was actually Quasar, the former protector of the universe (and I believe he was an Avenger at one point too).  This ends this story as we have to wait until the next issue to see how that all shakes out.

                In the meantime we turn our attention to Nikki, on some distant planet somewhere, in a story entitled “The Fire Down Below” which may or may not have to do with venereal disease.

                Nikki has just gotten groceries (oranges and liquor from  the looks of her bag) and is walking home in a shady neighborhood when, surprise surprise, a couple no-good-niks show up to rain on her parade.  After getting roughed up a bit by them she uses her fire-powers on them in order to get them to back off…which does nothing but remove their shirts (their pants are apparently flame retardant).  Nikki then uses a solar flare to blind them instead, and when their vision returns, Charlie is standing in front of them and beats the tar out of them.  Before we leave this party though, one of the attempted rapists says that he knows something about more Jovians being around.  For those of you that forgot, the Jovians are Charlie’s race, a race that was supposedly exterminated by the Baddoon.  Charlie and Nikki then call Vance and tell him that they’re not coming back as they are going to find the lost colony of Jovian slaves.

                Next issue: More Starhawk-y goodness with some Yellowjacket fun on the side.    

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #58

                Last issue ended with the arrival of the High Evolutionary.  This issue starts with Talon attacking the High Evolutionary (of course).  This does not go over well as The High Evolutionary is well equipped to deflect any attack.  When the rest of the Guardians fail to heed the pleas of Ripjak to actually think for a second and stop just attacking without a clear reason, Yellowjacket (the only member of the team that knows who the High Evolutionary is because of her time spent in the present day where he was more of a fixture) stops them herself.  She then explains to them who he is and why he should be trusted. 

                At that point The High Evolutionary and Ripjak decide that Vance is the only one that can help them take on Bubonicus because there is no more room in Ripjak’s ship for the whole team (his ship has superior technology but no extra seats so they are going to use that).  Talon gets all butt-hurt about not being allowed to go but the rest of the team supports their leader.  It is then revealed that because of Vance’s bodysuit that he will be impervious to the disease that Bubonicus uses as a weapon.  To fight him, Vance and Ripjak need to team up!  The rest of the Guardians, despite now knowing that Ripjak is not the enemy, still don’t understand why Vance would work with him. 

                Now, on a distant planet, Bubonicus is striking again.  However, he is taken by surprise as Vance is among the populace (though the rest of the people are dying, so I guess they were just the bait?).  Ripjak, meanwhile is in his ship and shoots at Bubonicus to disorient him before jumping down to engage him face to face.  Ripjak and Vance fight Bubonicus until an explosion shows that both Bubonicus and Ripjak have disappeared, leaving Vance alone.  The High Evolutionary has saved the citizens of the planet at least, but that is it.  There is no actual conclusion to this storyline.  Bubonicus and Ripjak are out there…somewhere.

                Back on the ship, Vance comes to find out that while he was out there saving lives, the rest of the Guardians have decided that they’ve had enough of being a team and are all taking a sabbatical.  Aleta has decided to stay behind with Vance to rekindle their relationship, but everyone else has left to do their own thing for the time being. 

                As we finish up this issue, we focus on Starhawk who comes across a beaten and broken Silver Surfer floating through space. 

                Next Issue:  Who did this to the Surfer, and is this the end of the lover’s quarrels between Vance and Talon? 

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #57

                So, at the end of the last issue, we found out that the Guardians are basically responsible for the suffering of millions of people, no not the readers of their comic, the population of a planet that has been hit by a plague.  Apparently Ripjak, the supposed interstellar serial killer is actually an interstellar mercy killer, snuffing the lives of the afflicted before they can suffer that same fate to the diseases ravaging their world. 

                Of course this means nothing to the Guardians who continue to attack Ripjak until Yondu (again, the only Guardian worth a damn) forces them to stop.  Of course this is a perfect time for Talon to start fighting with Yondu, because Vance was busy I guess?  Anyway, the fighting stops when Ripjak tells his origin to the guardians, beyond what they already know I guess.  He explained how he came to be the Kevorkian of the future and finally Vance realizes that Bubonicus is the true villain here (remember Bubonicus from that one issue that featured the Galactic Guardians?)  Apparently Martinex told Vance about him and even uploaded some info to Icarus, but no one on the Guardians does their homework, so no one knew of him.  Vance, trying to make up for being a dumbass and missing the correlation, is willing to let Ripjak aboard Icarus in order to learn more about Bubonicus, which pisses off Talon (of course). 

                We now take a break and head out to deep space where Starhawk has found Hollywood.  Starhawk wants to know about his parents, but Hollywood doesn’t want any part of helping him, so of course, in grand Guardians of the Galaxy tradition, they fight.  Of course, while they fight, they also talk so when they eventually stop pummeling eachother they help eachother.  I am not sure whether West is unable to draw two people having a normal conversation or whether Gallagher refuses to write that.  They seriously spent three pages beating eachother up in order to have a conversation.  That’s lazy.  In the end, Hollywood suggests that Starhawk find the Silver Surfer, that he may be able to help find Starhawk’s parents, or at least point him in a direction to get the search started, and they part company.  Starhawk then leaves Hollywood with the chunk of info that “Doom lies beneath his dome”.  If you remember, Hollywood has been searching frantically all over the universe for Doctor Doom (or Wolver-Doom as he is now known) and it appears that he was in the same spot the whole time.  Great detective work Hollywood. 

                Back on the ship, everyone is finally looking at the info on Bubonicus (which, by the way, comes in the form of a hologram and most likely a narration, so they didn’t even have to read about him, super laaaaazy).  They learn some more about Bubonicus, even calling up Martinex for his input (weren’t he and Vance mad at eachother last issue?) and they all start to argue about the validity of a plan that involves teaming up with their enemy to fight a greater enemy (they’ve apparently never read a Marvel comic) until out of nowhere, who shows up but the High-freaking-Evolutionary!

                Next Issue: It’s High-Evolutionary hijinks as we finish up this story-arc.

Not so New Comic Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (1991) #56

                Somehow, someway, the Guardians always wind up escaping certain death at the last moment.  This time, after Ripjak has blown up his base, after detailing his origin to the Guardians first, of course, it is revealed that Vance teleported the Guardians back to their ship just before the explosion, because of course he did.  Once back on Icarus, Vance and Talon have yet another fight, before everything starts acting normal.  Yondu and Yellowjacket take Aleta to the infirmary to recover from her attack by Ripjak, while Martinex calls Vance on some sort of holographic video phone.  He chides Vance for breaking the quarantine around Mars, as well as questioning him about Charlie’s frame-job from a few issues ago.  Instead of having a conversation like a normal person though, Vance blows up at Martinex, one of his oldest friends and partners, and then tells him to not look into the goings-on.  It’s a level of trust that probably should be expected at this point in their partnership, but Vance could have very easily said that “Charlie was framed and we’re going after the real villain”.  Bam.  Done.  That was not difficult and it took less time than his little speech did.  I don’t know why Gallagher wants us to hate Vance, but it’s working. 

 

                We then get a quick update from the prison warden who basically blames the Guardians for everything (even though he promised not to), and this makes Charlie mad, then sad because it reminds him how rough he had it for all of a couple days I’m assuming.  Nikki then cheers him up and it’s romance rekindled!

                Wait, wait, wait.  It’s time for another Talon and Vance fight.

                Okay, now that that is out of the way we cut to Ripjak in his ship.  It turns out that his motivation for destroying these worlds has more to do with ending their suffering than actually killing them.  He is an interstellar Jack Kevorkian basically. 

                Back on the Guardians’ ship, Yondu is trying to heal ALeta by doing some sort of spiritual cleansing thing…and it works.  Yondu is consistently the only member of the team that has any real worth. 

                The Guardians show up at the planet that Ripjak has managed to make his way to.  Of course, a fight ensues, where Ripjak attacks the Guardians and surprise, surprise, he’s winning.  While he is kicking everyone else’s ass though, Yellowjacket shrinks down and blindsides him, knocking him down.  When he gets up though he shows the Guardians the error of their ways as the denizens of the planet they are on continue to die from a plague, writhing in pain and fear. 

                Next Issue: The Guardians made the wrong decision…go figure.  Now we get to see them deal with their foolishness, and I would be willing to put money on another Talon-Vance fight.