Dear Hayden

I know that this is far from what you would expect from this site.  Usually it is humor (or feeble attempts at it) and some light commentary.  My reason for doing this, and airing it in such a public forum is that my son is now six years old.  In a few years he will be more internet-savvy than I am (he’s already pretty good with a tablet or smart phone).  When he gets to that level of experience, he would probably do what most people do and Google himself.  I hope that this is one of the first entries that pops up, so that he can read this without his mother filtering it.  Bear with me, and I’ll get back to the humor next Monday, I promise.

 

Dear Hayden,

                Today is December 27, 2013.  It has been sixty-two days since I have seen your smiling face.  It has been twenty-two days since I have heard your voice.  In that span of time, I have tried repeatedly to remedy both of those situations.  I have asked to see you on multiple occasions and nearly twenty-two straight nights now I have asked your mother if I could speak to you and your brother only to be either ignored or flat-out told no.  Your mother wants me to give up on you, and I don’t know what she has told you, whether she has said that I already have or not, but believe me, that is far from the truth.  You were the reason I was there from the beginning, and you and your brother are the reason I will keep fighting every day.  This is not a matter of me versus your mother, this is just me trying to see you, to help raise you in the best way possible and to make the best of a bad situation. 

                I know that things are moving incredibly slowly since the day your mother took you from me, and I know that some days it can be hard, it’s hard for me too, but in the end we will be together.  All of the good times that we had in those five years you were in my care will come rushing back as our relationship is renewed.  We will pick up right where we left off, like nothing happened, like your mother didn’t secretly spirit you away and keep you from me for months.  We will make up for lost time and create new memories that will replace any negatives ones you may have of the last few months. 

                From the moment I met you I knew you were going to be my best buddy, that we would be inseparable, and for the good part of five years we were.  You were always by my side, helping me cook, shop or even at work, we were once the best of friends and we will be that way again.  Having you ripped away from me is like having a piece of my heart ripped away, in fact I would prefer that, as everyday without you my heart breaks a little more.  I am trying to stay strong for you, as I know you are trying to stay strong for me.  You have always been tougher than I am and I know that won’t change.  We’ll be strong for one another and before you know it we’ll be together again.

                I’m not the only one that misses you.  Your uncles, your grandparents, Jake, Lisa and even the dogs can’t wait to see you again.  That’s all they talk about and they are all constantly asking me about you.  No one has forgotten about you, nor will they ever do so.  You are the first grandson and that is a title you will always carry, regardless of how infrequent they see you. 

                There are so many things we missed this year.  I was not there for your birthday or your first day of school, I was not allowed to be there for Christmas, and our Red Sox won the World Series this year! While you were there to see one of the games (remember that? You stayed up late to wait for me to get home and we wound up staying up past midnight to watch the end of the game?), it would have been great if you were there for the clincher as well (it was a great game). While these are all events, and things that come around every once in awhile, it’s the everyday events that I miss the most.  I miss not being able to come in the door after work without seeing your smiling face, either eating dinner or running to me to get me to play with you before I’ve even removed my shoes.  I miss our lazy weekends where we could sit and watch cartoons in our pajamas and eat pancakes for breakfast.  I miss scraping the sauce off your pizza because there is “green stuff” in it.  I miss our dinner dates to the pancake house.  I miss going to school with you, accompanying you on a field trip or helping you on “build a boat day”.  I miss everything about you. 

 

For the better part of five years you and your brother were my light in the darkness, you are what kept me going and made me want to be a better person so that I could in turn be a better father for you.  I have not given up on that, as I am your father, regardless of what your mother may say, or who she may try and bring in to replace me, and our relationship is only taking a break.  You know in Transformers, when Optimus Prime dies and then comes back to life?  You know he’s not really dead, that he’ll be back.  He’s too powerful and too important to stay dormant for long.  That’s us.  We are Optimus Prime.  Our relationship right now is dormant, but just like Optimus Prime it will come back, and be stronger than before.  If you believe, like I believe, then we will weather this storm and find our “Matrix of Leadership” and come back to life.

                Life is full of a lot of instances that will test you, that will try and beat you down unless you fight through them.  Usually you have to wait until you are a little older for that to happen.  It just so happens that life hit you with one at a young age.  We will get through this together, you and I, hand in hand just like we have done for years.

                I love you more than words could ever say,

           

                -Daddy