When last we left our Galactic Globetrotters (how’s that for some Stan Lee-esqe alliteration?) Starhawk and Aleta had just been blasted by The Stark (that alien race that thinks Robert Downey Jr.-er-Tony Stark is a god) mid-transformation. As last issue closed, we could distinctly see not one character but two amidst the blast. Does that mean that Starhawk and Aleta are freed from the creepiest symbiotic relationship in history? Apparently, yes, that’s exactly what that means. As Aleta collapses from, I’m just assuming here, the multitude of laser blasts that have just hit her, Starhawk gets up and flies away. This obviously pisses off Vance Astro, who, instead of actually doing anything productive in the battle, yells at Starhawk for leaving.
Finally
we catch up with Yondu as well, as he wakes up to still find the blade of a
knife at his throat. Does he go all
crazy alien assassin on the universe’s slowest and most unsure murderer? Nope, he just talks him down and actually
makes the alien feel better that he hasn’t murdered Yondu. It’s official, Yondu is zen as shit. Something tells me that may not be the case
in the upcoming movie as they cast Daryl Dixon’s brother from The Walking Dead to portray him
onscreen.
Oh,
wait, there’s another page containing Firelord.
This is what they call a slow burn
(get it, burn…Firelord…never mind. Of
course that leads right into the introduction of the other team of creatures
that are trying to find Captain America’s shield (and are currently at least
one step ahead of the Guardians). Their
name in Force, and no I didn’t just make that up. Despite having a name that apparently took
little-to-no thought to come up with, their lineup is highlighted by a beefy
chick with a huge forehead, a lizard guy that looks like a Masters of the Universe reject, and a square headed leader with
severe male-pattern baldness and six fingers.
Will they eventually give the Guardians a difficult time? Of course they will, because this is comics.
We now
return to the real action, which revolves around Everyone’s favorite Stark
psychopath,: Taserface! At the end of
last issue, he had grabbed Nikki and threatened to kill her if the Guardians
didn’t surrender. This issue opened with
Martinex freezing both Taserface and Nikki in ice to prevent Taserface from
acting on that threat, then all of the other crazy sidebars happened. Now we are back to the original plot point
and, surprise, surprise, Nikki, the girl from Mercury, is melting the ice
surrounding her. Martinex uses this to
his advantage and begins to melt the rest of the ice slowly so that Vance can
blast Taserface with his psychokinetic powers when Taserface’s head is
exposed. He does so, and Taserface
falls, defeated. This begs the question,
why didn’t Vance do that from the get go?
You can’t tell me that he would have been unable to blast Taserface
before he got a shot off, the bolt came from his mind! Oh well, with that
done, Nikki blasts him for good measure, and is immediately scolded by Martinex
just to reinforce the fact that most of the male characters are buzzkills and
Nikki is the cool rebel against authority, kind of like a flame-tressed
Jubilee.
Having
beaten Taserface, the Guardians must think that they have won, because they
decide to hightail it out of their and back to their orbiting spaceship,
leaving a whole host of The Stark on the planet to complete their mission of
enslaving the inhabitants and mining the planet of all its natural
resources. They are actually a pretty
crappy superteam at this point. Except
for Charlie-27, who has decided to stay on the planet until he can get to the
tent that holds the leader of this raiding party. Again, n mention is made of saving any of the
inhabitants of this planet, just beating the crap out of The Stark and getting
the hell out of there.
Aboard
the Stark mothership out in deep space, it is agreed upon that they would let
the team currently on the planet live or die at the hands of the Guardians,
however the fleet would go on yellow alert just in case (more on that in a
second). Back on the Guardians’ ship,
Charlie-27 returns and he is carrying a hostage, that angry Stark commander
that decided to sit in her tent while everyone else got slaughtered. Aleta wakes up from getting knocked out at
the end of last issue, and Vance proceeds to tell her what a douche Starhawk is
while Martinex complains about Vance telling the truth. Martinex is apparently Cyclops from the X-Men
with Iceman’s body. Valentino seems to
be trying to make Vance into a Wlverine type of character and having his
relationship with Martinex play out in that Cyclops-Wolverine mold, but at
least in the first three issues, they both just sound whiny and unlikable. And somehow, through all this, Aleta’s
costume has stayed put and not strayed into “wardrobe malfunction”
territory. Of course while everyone is
bickering and complaining Yondu notices that a giant ship has appeared right in
front of them. Apparently “yellow alert”
for the Stark means “go blow up the guys that are messing with our scout
team”.
It
apparently means nothing to The Stark that a member of their own race is
onboard as well, as they cut off all communication with Guardians after the
attempt at a peaceful resolution fails.
At this point we finally see where Starhawk went when he bailed on his
teammates…out to space. That’s it. He apparently flew out to space and threw up
a distress beacon (though we don’t know for who, we’ll have to wait for next
issue to figure that one out). He then
rushes to get back to the Guardians, stating how he is always late, and never
gets back in time. He is absolutely
correct as he arrives just in time to see the Stark ship blow the Guardians’
ship out of the sky. Is this the end of
the Guardians, after only three issues?
We’ll have to wait until next issue to find out. 
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