This is
it, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (okay, at least I know I have)! The final issue of the Guardians of the
Galaxy. We open with the conclusion of
the Starhawk parentage saga (why you would spend the majority of your final
issues on one character I have no idea).
When last we saw Starhawk he had just been shot by a Pathbreaker robot
on the outskirts of the planet where Starhawk’s mother, known as Kismet, was last
seen. Of course, this is the
all-powerful Starhawk we’re talking about, so he makes short work of the robot
and heads down to the planet’s surface.
There, he meets his mother, still alive and well, and hasn’t aged a
day. Even though she is not supposed to
leave the convent, Starhawk whisks her away anyway.
As they
are flying off, Starhawk tells his mother what happened to his father and as
soon as he mentions Eon, she gets pissed because apparently Eon took Starhawk
away from her as soon as he was born.
With that, Eon’s son Era, who looks just like Eon (who is apparently a
girl!?), shows up and tries to kill both Starhawk and Kismet. They fight until Era decides he’s had enough
and just leaves. The Hawk God then shows
up to tell Starhawk that Era has been behind all of the nasty stuff that has
happened to him and that the Hawk God is willing to help Starhawk track him
down. Before they do that though,
Starhawk and Kismet travel to visit the gravesite of Quasar.
There
you go. The end of Starhawk’s
quest. What do you think? Pretty underwhelming, right? Can they do any better with the rest of the
Guardians? Let’s see.
We
start with the Guardians gathering on the Icarus (except for Talon, who is
meditating and Yellowjacket who is now back in the present) along with Martinex
and Hollywood. Of course, as soon as
Martinex shows up Vance gets into an argument with him again, because he’s
terrible. Nothing is mentioned of the
lost colony of Jovians that Charlie was looking for, so I guess that plot
thread is just going to dangle forever.
Instead, we get another War of the Worlds history lesson (with nothing
new added by the way) except we find out that Mainframe has found a way to send
them back in time to prevent the tragedy.
…
…
Forgive
me if I’m confused, but there are a couple inconsistencies here. First, the Guardians went back in time once
already, to the present day. They went
there to wipe out the Baddoon and prevent the genocides of their races (Charlie
and Nikki, at least, Yondu and Martinex were not with the team at the
time). The ability to travel through
time has apparently been around for quite some time. Plus, on that trip, Vance refused to help
them, and in fact sabotaged their mission, nearly resulting in the death of
Charlie. Now, all of a sudden he is fine
with killing a large portion of the Martian population…as long as it saves his
race. Real nice. Not only that, but Yellowjacket just
traveled back in time as well, so this whole “waiting for Mainframe to figure
out how to transport us through time” thing holds no water at all. 
Whatever. They go through time and use their vastly
superior technology to destroy the Martian ships. Seriously, it takes them no time at all, and
Hollywood does half the work for them by destroying many of the ships with his
bare hands. How the Earth fell to the
Martians in the first place is a mystery to me.
Just Wonder Man and Thor alone could have handled the entire fleet, not
to mention any number of mutants or other heroes.
With the
Martian fleet decimated, the Guardians begin their trip back home. Unfortunately, they are being watched by
Wormhole (remember him, the Inhuman bad guy that used to work for Loki) and he
isn’t happy with them. He creates a,
wait for it, wormhole that sucks them in and drops them on an unknown,
uncharted planet somewhere.
And
that’s it. That’s the end.
What. The. Galactic. Fuck.
Next
week: A Guardians of the Galaxy Post-Mortem before we start the next review
series.
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