The Asshole Bracket Finale

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  This is it.  For all the marbles.  While Stalin narrowly edged out Justin Bieber (boy, that was a weird sentence to write), people that use Welfare as their job kept steamrolling their competition to reach the finals.  I do not see that changing here, and I’ll tell you why.

1.     Stalin is old news.  As shitty as that sounds, it’s true.  Welfare, and those that abuse it, is a fairly recent development, historically speaking.  Sure, there were always “those people” but I contest that there is a greater percentage of the population that abuses the system now than there has ever been (and it will continue to grow unless Welfare-reform is made a priority before the next generation comes of age to abuse it as well).

2.     The general “not in my backyard” mentality.  Sure, Stalin was alive and reigning supreme years ago, but he was doing so in the Soviet Union, while Welfare abuse, especially the kind I am speaking of here, is an American problem.  We want to be number one, always have.  USA! USA!

I do realize that in the creation of this tournament, I left out a lot, and I do mean a lot of qualified candidates.  Believe me, I could cherry pick from the Middle East and probably fill an entire bracket, but that doesn’t mean that who or what was picked, isn’t deserving.  Believe me, for every Murray State (ISIS in this case), someone that has a great resume, you have a Kentucky (Welfare Rats) that has to make it in, based solely on how dominant they are.  If that analogy falls flat on you, I apologize.  Sometimes mixing in sports metaphors tends to alienate part of the audience.

Nik, what say you?  Are we looking for a dominant run by Welfare Rats?  Is this the John Wooden UCLA Bruins?  Does Stalin stand a chance? 

Nik- Well damn. The Biebs is out. If only our highly influential, purely theoretical bracket could reflect real life…

I think you really summed it up. Stalin’s generations ago. Welfare’s now. That being said, I was really confident in both Bieber and Cosby, and they both let me down. Well, I will no longer place my hopes and dreams upon those two, I can tell you that much.

All in all, I feel that it’s pretty straight forward at this point. This ain’t yer grandpa’s Asshole Bracket. (his is in the locked closet in his bedroom) Our generation’s greatest evil is clearly Welfare Abusers.

Or is it?

Thumped

Losing to your girlfriend is one thing, that happens, but Shrimpette is kind of a smartass, 

and losing to a smartass is never a good thing.

London Calling

The London games, though they give us a full day of football here sometimes, are just silly.

Not so New Comic Review: Earth X #6

                Ah the X-Men, my favorite comic growing up, let’s see what has become of Charlie’s team of outcasts in the Earth X universe.  We start with a short conversation about Reed Richards’ actions and what the Inhumans found at the end of the last issue (the time machine).  We then cut to the history of the X-Men, including the origin of Magneto and the formation of the original and “Giant Size” teams. 

                The reason this issue is X-Men-centric is revealed in the first page after the origin.  Reed Richards is at the ruins of the X-Mansion to try and locate Cerebro, the old mutant detecting device, in order to use it to find the missing Inhumans, almost like a magnet to search for a needle in a haystack.  What Reed encounters instead is a blast from the past as the X-Men are tearing up the mansion in a fight with the Sentinels.  Of course, this is just a Danger Room scenario that was triggered by Reed’s entrance into the mansion.  Reed shuts off the program and plugs himself into Cerebro to begin his mission. 

                We then cut to one of the last remaining X-Men, Cyclops, as an old man, just walking along when he stumbles upon a group of mutants.  He adeptly takes them all out though because, apparently this is an alternate universe where Cyclops is a badass.  The group of mutants attacked Cyclops in order to show him how tough they are.  It turns out that Captain America sent the group to Cyclops for training, which they did not think they needed…and the best way to show that is to attack Cyclops.  This obviously didn’t work as an old man in a trench coat kicked their collective asses. 

                We now travel to Dr. Strange’s house where Clea, the reigning Sorcerer Supreme with Dr. Strange out of commission, is preparing to send the Hulk-Ape into the land of the dead to deliver a message to Mar-Vell.  Apparently, Hulk-Ape, not having a real mind of his own does not have to worry about going mad in a place like the land of the dead. 

                In Iron Man’s sanctuary we get a conversation on ethics between him and Vision, where Vision attempts to reason with him, explaining that Iron Man is actually needed by the people out beyond his walls, possibly foreshadowing some actual involvement by Iron Man in future issues.  We quickly cut to Cyclops agreeing to train the team of ragtag mutants, after he fits them with new uniforms, that of course have an X on them, before we focus on Spiderman and his daughter having a heart to heart on a water tower regarding her involvement in superheroics.

 

                We get a quick glimpse of the Skull’s forces traveling across the country via train, apparently heading to New York.  Along for the ride is Cap and Daredevil.  We end with an appendix that explains what happened to many of the X-Men.  Iceman is alone at the North Pole; Angel is flying around trying to help the unfortunate souls; Magneto has isolated himself amidst a city of repurposed Sentinels; Multiple Man is basically a living breathing CNN, providing info to everyone that wants it; Banshee, Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, X-Man, Gambit and Rogue died; Dazzler is still touring, singing Disco music, Longshot and Cable have disappeared and the telepaths died when the Skull was born.  It’s a pretty shitty day to be an X-Man.

Next Issue: Cap rides a train, the new X-Men train and Reed trains his brain to find Inhumans.  You see what I did there?

Charity

Touche indeed.

The Asshole Bracket Final Four

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  Bieber or Stalin…Bieber or Stalin…It may just be too close to call.  Seriously.  Would I rather live in Communist Russia or listen to Bieber’s music?  Would I rather try to endure the harsh winters of Siberia as a political prisoner, or sit through a showing of “Never Say Never”?  At least Communist Russia had some culture to  it…

That being said, I’m still picking Stalin. 

Nik- In Soviet Russia, Bieber love you!
        When you actually break it down, sure Stalin was a much bigger villain. But Villains is so last year, am I right? But when it comes to the body hairless science experiment gone wrong that is Justin Bieber, I think he’s a much bigger asshole. Bieber on this one. He’ll continue his move.

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

–

Matt- Lance Armstrong is a deplorable human being, hands down, no contest.  People that use Welfare as a job are a whole class of people.  Are they being enabled by a government that would rather hold everyone’s hand than see them do things for themselves?  Absolutely.  Does that make them any less of an asshole for using and abusing the system?  Nope.  Just like at the beginning of every month, “Welfare” wins again.

Nik-  I thiiiiink Welfare’s going to take this one. But my vote is Lance. I think, with him, you can put a face to the asshole, if you will. (gross) Whereas the whole welfare skidoo is more of a mass/faceless crime. It’s easier to hate an asshole you can see (still gross), than to hate a collective of assholes. (possibly the grossest)

String of Bad Luck

Week Eight-

Standings:

Shrimp:		Assorted Freaks:
The Masked Shrimp	6-1	The Slugomatic	2-5
Fred	5-2	The Wormy Guy	4-3
The Masked Shrimpette	2-5	Mr. Happee	2-5

Schedule:

The Masked Shrimp v. The Masked Shrimpette

The Slugomatic v. The Wormy Guy

Fred v. Mr. Happee

This may or may not have been a verbatim conversation from this past season...

Down Week for Most

Remember when Peyton could be counted on for thirty points every week?

Then the temperature dipped below fifty degrees...

Not so New Comic Review: Earth X #5

                We begin this issue, as we have with every issue thus far, with an origin story.  This particular origin story is for evryone’s favorite blonde-tressed Asgardian.  That’s right, Thor will play a major part in this issue.  I must say, the way Krueger and Ross are slow-burning the introduction of the heroes here, while also filling the issues with material in the interim is incredible.  They could have easily decompressed everything to the point where nothing happens until all of the heroes are revealed, but instead they give us a full story in each issue and then slowly bring the heroes along.  It’s masterful storytelling, and something that made me a longtime Krueger fan.

                Anyway, after the introduction (with more stellar art by Leon) we travel back to Latveria where the Inhumans and Reed Richards have come to the realization (at the end of last issue) that with the help of old Charlie Xavier’s Cerebro mutant finder, they can locate the missing Inhumans and reunite the kingdom.  It should be noted that when the Red Skull’s powers first manifested themselves, all of the telepaths died out, that means no Xavier, no Phoenix, no Emma Frost, etc.  Of course, once Reed leaves Doom’s castle, the Doom Bots attack the Inhumans.  It’s pretty well established that the Inhumans are capable of taking care of themselves in a fight though, so we don’t even stick around to see how that turns out.

                Instead, we are back to California.  Here, we see that  the hold that the Red Skull has over his “subjects” is not total and unbreakable.  Iron Maiden shows that she has a mind of her own, even though she is forced to follow the Red Skull, and she might even be a “hero” or what passes for a hero in this reality.  We now focus in on Cap, who is still in California, but is now just hanging out, extremely dejected at the humiliation of not being able to save his country, and losing yet another sidekick (seriously, who’s the worse mentor, Cap or Batman?).  Daredevil, the guy that can’t die wants to partner up with Cap, solely for the reason that all of Cap’s partners wind up killed.  This can only end well, right?

                Back in New York, at the home of Clea, the Sorcerer Supreme, picking up right where we left off at the end of the last issue.  We find out that Clea took over for Dr. Strange when he was attacked and put into a coma by an unknown force.  We then go into some mystical stuff regarding Mar-Vell and death/rebirth.  It’s a little crazy, but illustrated beautifully, and the coloring on this is excellent as everything is illuminated by the candle in the center of the room. 

                With that, it’s time to introduce Thor, who just so happens to be a woman now thanks to a trick from Loki (yes, Thor was a woman years before it became a stunt by Marvel to sell books and appear like they were progressive.  We get a brief exchange between Thor and Loki, where Loki is funny and condescending at the same time (as is his way) and then we are on to a quick jump around the Marvel Universe.  Our first stop is with Cyclops, who is now a balding old man that looks like he should be teaching history, not saving the world.  He is talking on a video conference with his father, Corsair of the Starjammers along with his brother Havok, and I’m assuming his sister-in-law Polaris.  Cyclops is pissed because his father is willing to come pick him up and get him away from Earth, but only him, leaving Jean Grey on Earth (even though it doesn’t appear as the two are together – and how she survived the telepath purge I have no idea).  We get confirmation that Jean is not with Scott on the next page as we see that she is with Wolverine.  Both would look more comfortable in WalMart than they would in tights saving the day at this point.

                Our last stop is back in Latveria, where the Inhumans are finishing up the dismantling of the Doom Bots.  Medusa then goes inside Reed’s lab and realizes that he has access to Doom’s time machine, and in his journals, we see Reed’s struggle with using that time machine to go back and fix everything and the moral quandary he has before him. 

                With that, we end this issue after a quick synopsis of the whereabouts of a few other Avengers (Ant-Man, Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man). 

Next Issue: What part does Lady-Thor play in this story?  Will Cyclops finally stop being a baby about Jean Grey, and who the hell changes Ape-Hulk’s diapers? 

Dead Weight

That may be the worst thing in fantasy football, to look at your bench and realize that it has completely outscored your starters.  That may have happened to me once or twice.

The Asshole Bracket: Elite Eight

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  McCarthy made it by the slimmest of margins over Bernie Madoff’s reign of terror last week, but this is where his ride ends as Stalin has just steamrolled everyone put in front of him.  It makes sense too, as Stalin’s legacy has helped create tense relations between the United States and Russia that exist even today, while McCarthyism, while being a severe black eye after it was all said and done, has faded away aside from a historical reference here and there.  Plus, if there was no Stalin, McCarthy might not have anything to bitch about.

Nik- I think McCarthyism wasn’t a black eye, but a red eye.

        Thank you.

        Also, wow, totally thought Madoff would make it. But Stalin was a big ol’ D. It’s refreshing to see Stalin make it significantly further than Hitler, too. But yeah, Stalin is gonna move on here. McCarthy pales in comparison.

Entertainment Region:

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

–

Matt-  Bieber did it.  He took down Kanye’s giant ego.  Will he be able to do the same to Al Sharpton’s specific and fine-tuned level of villainy?  I suppose if anyone could do it, Bieber could.  You might even say, he has made me a Bielieber.

Nik- I think I’ve already made my arguments for the later-term abortion that is Bieber.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

–

Matt- People that use Welfare as their job is the Josef Stalin of the general region.  I originally had Hitler pegged as the overall number one seed of the tournament, but that was a vast underestimation.  “Welfare” is definitely the 2015 Kentucky Wildcats of this bracket.  It’s not a matter of if they will win, it’s who they will beat to get there.

Nik-  Wow. At this rate I’m seeing Stalin and Welfare, I think making it to the end. Boy was I way off. Welfare on this one, though.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

–

Matt-  Ray Rice dropped the hammer on Paula Deen (and we’ve seen how he beats people he loves, so this must have been especially brutal) and Lance Armstrong cruised through his bout.  Will Armstrong continue to wear the yellow jersey through this leg of Le Tour De Asshole?  I think so.

Nik- I was gonna make a “Live Strong” joke here. Something like “Dick Strong.” But that’s just unsavory. “Douche Strong” (for when regular douches just won’t do.) I dunno. What I’m trying to say is that I think Lance takes Rice for a (bicycle) ride on this one.

Matt- (claps slowly)

Gangrene

Week Seven-

Standings:

Shrimp:		Assorted Freaks:
The Masked Shrimp	5-1	The Slugomatic	2-4
Fred	4-2	The Wormy Guy	3-3
The Masked Shrimpette	2-4	Mr. Happee	2-4

Schedule:

The Masked Shrimp v. The Slugomatic

Mr. Happee v. The Wormy Guy

Fred v. The Masked Shrimpette

Just a little "Seventh Heaven" pedophile reference for your Monday morning.

You're welcome.

Big Blue Monster

If you want to play a football-themed drinking game guaranteed to get you hammered, take a shot every time you see the "Eli Face" during a Giants game.

Not so New Comic Review: Earth X #4

                This issue begins with the origin of the Black Panther.  It’s a pretty standard origin with good art by Jon Paul Leon, but again, the lack in variation when it comes to color makes everything a boring shade of grey.  After the quick origin, we are back in Latveria, where Reed Richards, along with the Inhumans, is trying to contact T’Challa, the Black Panther, out in his kingdom of Wakanda.  Reed is basically trying to rally all of his former friends, now the leaders of the various nations of the world.  T’Challa doesn’t want to help Reed by stopping the production of Vibranium (Wakanda is its place of origin) as he says that the spirits have spoke to him and he is doing this for his people.  What T’Challa has failed to tell Reed is that the same mists that changed the human population has also altered the animal population, they are all half animal-half human hybrids now. 

                Back in Latveria, Reed is still trying to figure out how to help the Inhumans, and comes up with the idea to use Cerebro, Charles Xavier’s old mutant detector.  With a few alterations, he believes that Cerebro can be used to find the real Inhumans amidst all of the “mutants” of the world. 

                Now we are back in California, as Cap confronts the Red Skull.  He believes that everyone deserves freedom because they are in America.  No matter what is happening, no matter how much the country, or the world for that matter, is falling apart, Cap will always be there to protect everyone’s individual freedoms.  That’s basically the lesson of this issue, and every issue of Captain America ever, right?  In talking to the Red Skull, we get a quick origin of Iron Maiden (who, as Krueger so eloquently states, like Jack Nicholson in Batman) gains her powers by falling into a vat of chemicals.  As Cap goes to stop the Skull, basically by pulling on his ear it looks like, he is hit with a flashback of Bucky courtesy of Spiders-Man (yup, that’s his name) whose power causes the target to hallucinate.

                To add insult to injury, the Skull, being the little douche that he is is content with mind-controlling everyone around Cap except for Cap in order to prove a point and force Cap to watch his country crumble around him.  To this end, he controls Redwing, making him beat the crap out of Cap.  He then basically banishes Cap, taking his partner from him yet again.  Leon does a great job of showing Cap’s isolation, and you really feel bad for the guy. 

                We are back in New York now, and we are greeted by the Hydra chasing after a winged devil girl, it turns out that she is Betty Banner, the Hulk’s wife (ex-wife?).  Right on cue, the Hulk shows up.  Now, this Hulk is different than the Hulk you know. He is two separate entities, yes, as we’ve seen in the past, but the smart, Banner part is a child now, while the Hulk part is more simian in nature than ever before.  Apparently saving Betty (who flies away in terror) was just a pit-stop on their way to Clea’s house (Clea, Dr. Strange’s old girlfriend, is now the Sorcerer Supreme).

                We end on that note, after a little exposition where X-51 comes to the conclusion that Celestials are the final step in human evolution, that all of the machinations of the Celestials when it comes to the populace of Earth up to this point have been in order to create new Celestials.  We, in essence, are their larvae.  An interesting theory indeed.

Next issue – Are we really larvae? Seriously?  And where does Cap go from here?

Resume

I think Starbucks frowns on the practice of giving away Machiattos for free.

The Asshole Bracket - Round Two Breakdown

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Bernie Madoff – Ponzi’d the shit out of millions (8)

–

Matt-  I’m not going to lie, this was a little shocking to me.  To see our good buddy Adolf going out in the first round…crazy.  Bernie Madoff wins one for Jews everywhere, but I think that is where his luck runs out.  Joseph McCarthy is a grade-A asshole, and with Hitler out of the way, I can easily see him move swiftly into the final four.

Nik- Boom! First upset of the game. Pretty sure I called this one. I think Hitler’s had his time. It’s good to see some other evil wretches getting their time in the sun. I think this next round is going to be another example of more  recent villainy wins. I think Madoff is going to move on with this next round because we’re still feeling the effects of his evils and those of his ilk.

John Wayne Gacy – Guilty of killing 33 boys and young men (2)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  Stalin steamrolled Cheney, while Gacy snuck by Putin at the very end to set up this matchup.  Stalin keeps rolling here as his atrocities and overall asshole nature can’t be stopped.    

Nik- I’m honestly surprised by both of these results. Not upset, however. And I do think that Stalin will move along here, as he overshadows Gacy’s crime on a more global scale.

Entertainment Region:

Kanye West – He may be the antichrist (1)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

–

Matt-  Kanye and Bieber were both big winners here (with Bieber being only one of two unanimous victors in the whole bracket) which sets up an interesting showdown here.  Which asshole is the bigger asshole?  The kid that just turned 21 or the grown man that should know better.  I choose Kanye (of course, I will always choose Kanye when it comes to who is the bigger asshole), but the real question is, who will everyone else choose?

Nik- Oh shit. Not surprised with this turn-out either. And loving every second of it. I’m just upset that these two couldn’t make it right to the end to duke it out. Gotta say, I’m going with the Biebs on this one, based purely on how obnoxious he is.

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

vs.

Rush Limbaugh – Seriously?  It’s Rush.  He’s the king of the assholes (3)

–

Matt-  Two blowhards go at it in this round, and the real losers here are the people that have to listen to them.  Sharpton takes it in my opinion because he not only profits from civil unrest, but his actions can actually incite some of that civil unrest itself.  Rush?  He’s just an old white guy with someone that is too stupid to give him a microphone.  I can’t imagine there have been riots in the streets due to his machinations.

Nik- Matt said it beautifully in this one. Sharpton moves along because he’s more of an overall evil. An every man’s evil, if you will.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People that passive-aggressively use memes on Facebook (4)

–

Matt- People That Sit on Welfare was the other big “winner” in the last round, completely demolishing their opponent.  Do I think they will have as easy of a time this next round with People That Post Passive Aggressive Memes on Facebook? Yes, yes I do.  I don’t see anyone in the field of competition that can take them down at this point. 

Nik- Agreed. I don’t know how this Memes one even got this far. It doesn’t stand a chance. Welfare it is. Move along.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

vs.

That guy that drives 65 in the left lane (3)

–

Matt-  Both of the winners here did so by the slimmest of margins, so it will be interesting to see who advances from this pairing.  I could see either moving on, especially because looters are not as prevalent in everyday life as people that can’t goddamn drive.  I’m going with the driver.  Familiarity wins. 

Nik- I’m actually going with Looters on this one, ‘cause I think they’re a greater evil, despite their being less prevalent. They have more of a societal effect.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Stephen Collins - Pedophilia (4)

–

Matt-  It’s the old-news asshole in Armstrong vs. the recent asshole in Collins.  Does the fact that people have had time to come to grips with Armstrong’s acts play into the voting process?  I say no, an asshole is an asshole.  It’s hard to say that anything is worse than pedophilia though.  I’m so conflicted.  A flip of the coin says Armstrong.

Nik- I’m going with Armstrong on this one too. In terms of quantity vs. quality, he takes the taco on this.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

vs.

Paula Deen - Racist (7)

–

Matt-  Clinton and Cosby escape unscathed as Paula Deen and Ray Rice move right along.  To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think either of these two would be here, but at least what Ray Rice did was a criminal act, which makes him an even bigger asshole in my mind.  I still find it hard to admonish an old white southern lady for being racist.  That would be like admonishing the sun for being bright, or John Travolta for being a closeted homosexual.  Rice moves on.

Nik- WHAT THE WHAT?! I am flabbergasted here. Not unpleasantly. Quite tickled, honestly, that we see these two. But in terms of being a wretched human being, I definitely have to say that Rice wins this one. Hell, he might make it a couple more rounds, at this point. And who is he? Does he play the footballs?

Too Little

Remember for the first part of the year when Superbowl MVP Tom Brady couldn't pass his way out of a paper bag?  

Also, do you remember when Flacco had a good game this last season?  

It only happened a couple times so I'll wait while you try and remember.

Pigs Aflutter

Week Six-

Standings:

Shrimp:		Assorted Freaks:
The Masked Shrimp	4-1	The Slugomatic	2-3
Fred	4-1	The Wormy Guy	2-3
The Masked Shrimpette	1-4	Mr. Happee	2-3

Schedule:

The Masked Shrimp v. Fred

The Slugomatic v. The Masked Shrimpette

The Wormy Guy v. Mr. Happee

Remember when the Cowboys beat the Seahawks!? As a Cowboys fan, this is pretty much how I felt.