The Asshole Bracket

            I love March Madness.  I love filling out my bracket, and I love watching it unfold over the month.  Hell, I even love the selection show.  In the spirit of one of the best times of the year, we are bringing back the Eat @ Shrimpy’s annual bracket.  This year, we want you, the people, to choose the biggest asshole of all time.  Joining me in the analysis of this bracket is my brother and longtime fan of all things bracket, Nik.

            A note about the selection and seeding process.  The assholes were split into four different Historical (the assholes you’d read about in your history books), Entertainment (the assholes you’d see on your television), General (the assholes you meet in your daily life) and Deceptive (the assholes that seem like good people, but they did some really bad shit).  I completely admit that I have probably forgotten an asshole or two, especially since we pared the initial field down to 32 instead of the usual 64.   

Okay Nik, before we get into the breakdown of the individual matchups, what’s your general thoughts on the bracket itself?  Do you think the seedings are accurate?  What are your predictions? We’ll pick our projected winner of each region, a big upset and a potential sleeper pick (from the lower seeds) that could come out of nowhere and shock the world. 

Nik: This can be a controversial one. But it’ll be interesting to see how people interpret each of these “assholes”.  Frankly, I’m not even really convinced of a definitive winner in this lineup.

As with every year, I’m not going to get into the “is the seeding fair”, ‘cause I still don’t know what the hell it is.

Region one – Historical:

Matt:  At first glance, you may say to yourself “well, if Hitler’s in there, he’ll definitely take it.”  Not so fast muchachos.  While I see him going far, Stalin is just as bad as Hitler in my opinion, and Gacy, while he did not have the volume of kills that those two did, killed all of his victims by hand.  That’s an asshole right there.

Winner:  Hitler (1)

Sleeper:  Dick Cheney (6) or Joseph McCarthy (5)

Upset:  Depending on the general mood of the voters, I could easily see Dick Cheney (6) winning the whole thing.  I don’t know if everyone gets how much of an asshole Joseph McCarthy (5) was.  So while I think he should advance a couple rounds, I don’t see it happening. 

Nik: I think this one’s going to be the easiest to have a definitive winner.  It’s easier to look at these people with the biggest disconnect. So it’s easier to choose.

Winner: Dick Cheney (6)

Sleeper: Dick Cheney (6)

Upset: Hitler (1) doesn’t win. I think the automatic, like Matt said, is everyone goes Hitler. But I think Cheny (6), the most soulless of anyone in the group, is going to covertly make his way to the top, and then everyone’ll realize that he’s been a piece of shit the whole time! Surprise.

Region two – Entertainment:

Matt:  Kanye West is the Adolf Hitler of this region.  I might go so far as to say that Kanye West is the Adolf Hitler of this generation…yup.  I said it.

Winner:  Kanye West (1)

Sleeper:  Bieber (4) – He’s such an asshole at such a young age that he might just win it.

Upset:  I see this one going about as planned.  The top four are such assholes that I can’t see the bottom four making it out of the first round.

Nik: The thing is, Kanye West is slightly less obnoxious than some of the others. Yeah, he’s a shit bag, but only when he speaks out.

Winner: Justin Bieber (4)

Sleeper: I think Dane Cook (7)  might have enough lasting power to make it a few rounds.

Upset: I think, for the most part, Taylor Swift (6) is America’s sweetheart. Even despite the whole Spotify thing. But we may see her going further than anticipated.

Region three - General:

Matt:

A full region of assholes you meet in your daily lives?  How can one choose?  Unfortunately I have a personal connection to a couple of these assholes, so my choices may seem biased.  However, if people that sit on welfare as their job (1) does not win, there is no hope for our country.  Please note, if you are one of the people in this region, you might be an asshole.  It may be time for some self-reflection.

Winner:  People who sit on welfare as their job (1)

Sleeper:  Walmart Cashiers (6) are just terrible assholes.  I can see them winning the whole thing just because they are the one asshole in this region that people have to deal with all the damn time.

Upset:  I’d go with either Walmart Cashiers (6) or Local Sports Talk Radio Callers (5).  They are both pretty terrible.

Nik: This is the most subjective, I think. ‘Cause even though there are some annoying ones in here, I don’t see all of them as being comparably asshole-ish.

Winner: Welfare Sitters (1) – and I really want to stress, it’s the people who abuse it,  because there are people out there who actually need it and benefit from it.

Sleeper: Stick Figure Family (8) – obnoxious enough to get up there.

Upset: I will be upset when Truck Nuts (7) does not get as high as it should.

Region four – Deceptive:

Matt:  Some of these assholes are a bit more current than their opponents, so that may color the judgment of the voters.  I am interested in seeing how the pedophile fight in the first round between Stephen Collins (4) and Woody Allen (5) goes down. 

Winner: Cosby (2)

Sleeper:  Jobs (8)

Upset:  I think, if Steve Jobs (8) can upset Lance Armstrong (1) in the first round, he could go the distance.  However, this is going to come down to what the voters deem as acceptable asshole-ish behavior.

Nik:

Winner: Bill Cosby (2) – he’s the freshest wound of the list.

Sleeper: I think Bill Clinton (3), as much as I love the guy, will make it down the road.

Upset: That Paula Deen (7) won’t get any further. I think she’d make it further were she not against Cosby in the first round.

Matt’s Final Four:

Hitler (1)

Kanye (1)

People that sit on Welfare as their job (1)

Cosby (2)

Projected Winner:  Kanye is the worst human being I have ever had the opportunity to witness in my lifetime.  He is the epitome of what is wrong with our country right now;  spoiled, entitled, conceited and just a giant asshole.  He beats out people that sit on welfare as their job for the title.

Nik’s Final Four:

Dick Cheney (6)

Justin Bieber (4)

Welfare Sitters (1)

Bill Cosby (2)

Projected Winner: Cosby takes it, I think. Like I said earlier, he’s the freshest wound, therefore the biggest evil on most minds. (but maybe Hitler will win. If it ain’t broke…)

Okay, that’s the initial breakdown.  To vote, just leave the names of the winners in the comments section, email me at shrimpman53@yahoo.com, or find me on facebook.  Voting will be open from Tuesday through midnight eastern time on Friday.  After that the votes will be tallied and we’ll get you an updated bracket with further analysis the following Tuesday.  Feel free to print the brackets out, ask around, poll your friends on who they think should win, or just send them here to vote themselves.  Feel free to start a rousing discussion of who should win in the comments as well, those are always fun.  Let’s just keep it civil, no one should be calling anyone else a doody-head.

We will be back later in the day today with a matchup-by-matchup breakdown and who we think will prevail.  Until then, happy voting!