The Asshole Bracket Grand Finale

I decided to do something a little different for this year's results.  Read on to see who was crowned the biggest asshole!

The Asshole Bracket Finale

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  This is it.  For all the marbles.  While Stalin narrowly edged out Justin Bieber (boy, that was a weird sentence to write), people that use Welfare as their job kept steamrolling their competition to reach the finals.  I do not see that changing here, and I’ll tell you why.

1.     Stalin is old news.  As shitty as that sounds, it’s true.  Welfare, and those that abuse it, is a fairly recent development, historically speaking.  Sure, there were always “those people” but I contest that there is a greater percentage of the population that abuses the system now than there has ever been (and it will continue to grow unless Welfare-reform is made a priority before the next generation comes of age to abuse it as well).

2.     The general “not in my backyard” mentality.  Sure, Stalin was alive and reigning supreme years ago, but he was doing so in the Soviet Union, while Welfare abuse, especially the kind I am speaking of here, is an American problem.  We want to be number one, always have.  USA! USA!

I do realize that in the creation of this tournament, I left out a lot, and I do mean a lot of qualified candidates.  Believe me, I could cherry pick from the Middle East and probably fill an entire bracket, but that doesn’t mean that who or what was picked, isn’t deserving.  Believe me, for every Murray State (ISIS in this case), someone that has a great resume, you have a Kentucky (Welfare Rats) that has to make it in, based solely on how dominant they are.  If that analogy falls flat on you, I apologize.  Sometimes mixing in sports metaphors tends to alienate part of the audience.

Nik, what say you?  Are we looking for a dominant run by Welfare Rats?  Is this the John Wooden UCLA Bruins?  Does Stalin stand a chance? 

Nik- Well damn. The Biebs is out. If only our highly influential, purely theoretical bracket could reflect real life…

I think you really summed it up. Stalin’s generations ago. Welfare’s now. That being said, I was really confident in both Bieber and Cosby, and they both let me down. Well, I will no longer place my hopes and dreams upon those two, I can tell you that much.

All in all, I feel that it’s pretty straight forward at this point. This ain’t yer grandpa’s Asshole Bracket. (his is in the locked closet in his bedroom) Our generation’s greatest evil is clearly Welfare Abusers.

Or is it?

The Asshole Bracket Final Four

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  Bieber or Stalin…Bieber or Stalin…It may just be too close to call.  Seriously.  Would I rather live in Communist Russia or listen to Bieber’s music?  Would I rather try to endure the harsh winters of Siberia as a political prisoner, or sit through a showing of “Never Say Never”?  At least Communist Russia had some culture to  it…

That being said, I’m still picking Stalin. 

Nik- In Soviet Russia, Bieber love you!
        When you actually break it down, sure Stalin was a much bigger villain. But Villains is so last year, am I right? But when it comes to the body hairless science experiment gone wrong that is Justin Bieber, I think he’s a much bigger asshole. Bieber on this one. He’ll continue his move.

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

–

Matt- Lance Armstrong is a deplorable human being, hands down, no contest.  People that use Welfare as a job are a whole class of people.  Are they being enabled by a government that would rather hold everyone’s hand than see them do things for themselves?  Absolutely.  Does that make them any less of an asshole for using and abusing the system?  Nope.  Just like at the beginning of every month, “Welfare” wins again.

Nik-  I thiiiiink Welfare’s going to take this one. But my vote is Lance. I think, with him, you can put a face to the asshole, if you will. (gross) Whereas the whole welfare skidoo is more of a mass/faceless crime. It’s easier to hate an asshole you can see (still gross), than to hate a collective of assholes. (possibly the grossest)

The Asshole Bracket: Elite Eight

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  McCarthy made it by the slimmest of margins over Bernie Madoff’s reign of terror last week, but this is where his ride ends as Stalin has just steamrolled everyone put in front of him.  It makes sense too, as Stalin’s legacy has helped create tense relations between the United States and Russia that exist even today, while McCarthyism, while being a severe black eye after it was all said and done, has faded away aside from a historical reference here and there.  Plus, if there was no Stalin, McCarthy might not have anything to bitch about.

Nik- I think McCarthyism wasn’t a black eye, but a red eye.

        Thank you.

        Also, wow, totally thought Madoff would make it. But Stalin was a big ol’ D. It’s refreshing to see Stalin make it significantly further than Hitler, too. But yeah, Stalin is gonna move on here. McCarthy pales in comparison.

Entertainment Region:

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

–

Matt-  Bieber did it.  He took down Kanye’s giant ego.  Will he be able to do the same to Al Sharpton’s specific and fine-tuned level of villainy?  I suppose if anyone could do it, Bieber could.  You might even say, he has made me a Bielieber.

Nik- I think I’ve already made my arguments for the later-term abortion that is Bieber.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

–

Matt- People that use Welfare as their job is the Josef Stalin of the general region.  I originally had Hitler pegged as the overall number one seed of the tournament, but that was a vast underestimation.  “Welfare” is definitely the 2015 Kentucky Wildcats of this bracket.  It’s not a matter of if they will win, it’s who they will beat to get there.

Nik-  Wow. At this rate I’m seeing Stalin and Welfare, I think making it to the end. Boy was I way off. Welfare on this one, though.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

–

Matt-  Ray Rice dropped the hammer on Paula Deen (and we’ve seen how he beats people he loves, so this must have been especially brutal) and Lance Armstrong cruised through his bout.  Will Armstrong continue to wear the yellow jersey through this leg of Le Tour De Asshole?  I think so.

Nik- I was gonna make a “Live Strong” joke here. Something like “Dick Strong.” But that’s just unsavory. “Douche Strong” (for when regular douches just won’t do.) I dunno. What I’m trying to say is that I think Lance takes Rice for a (bicycle) ride on this one.

Matt- (claps slowly)

The Asshole Bracket - Round Two Breakdown

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Bernie Madoff – Ponzi’d the shit out of millions (8)

–

Matt-  I’m not going to lie, this was a little shocking to me.  To see our good buddy Adolf going out in the first round…crazy.  Bernie Madoff wins one for Jews everywhere, but I think that is where his luck runs out.  Joseph McCarthy is a grade-A asshole, and with Hitler out of the way, I can easily see him move swiftly into the final four.

Nik- Boom! First upset of the game. Pretty sure I called this one. I think Hitler’s had his time. It’s good to see some other evil wretches getting their time in the sun. I think this next round is going to be another example of more  recent villainy wins. I think Madoff is going to move on with this next round because we’re still feeling the effects of his evils and those of his ilk.

John Wayne Gacy – Guilty of killing 33 boys and young men (2)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  Stalin steamrolled Cheney, while Gacy snuck by Putin at the very end to set up this matchup.  Stalin keeps rolling here as his atrocities and overall asshole nature can’t be stopped.    

Nik- I’m honestly surprised by both of these results. Not upset, however. And I do think that Stalin will move along here, as he overshadows Gacy’s crime on a more global scale.

Entertainment Region:

Kanye West – He may be the antichrist (1)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

–

Matt-  Kanye and Bieber were both big winners here (with Bieber being only one of two unanimous victors in the whole bracket) which sets up an interesting showdown here.  Which asshole is the bigger asshole?  The kid that just turned 21 or the grown man that should know better.  I choose Kanye (of course, I will always choose Kanye when it comes to who is the bigger asshole), but the real question is, who will everyone else choose?

Nik- Oh shit. Not surprised with this turn-out either. And loving every second of it. I’m just upset that these two couldn’t make it right to the end to duke it out. Gotta say, I’m going with the Biebs on this one, based purely on how obnoxious he is.

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

vs.

Rush Limbaugh – Seriously?  It’s Rush.  He’s the king of the assholes (3)

–

Matt-  Two blowhards go at it in this round, and the real losers here are the people that have to listen to them.  Sharpton takes it in my opinion because he not only profits from civil unrest, but his actions can actually incite some of that civil unrest itself.  Rush?  He’s just an old white guy with someone that is too stupid to give him a microphone.  I can’t imagine there have been riots in the streets due to his machinations.

Nik- Matt said it beautifully in this one. Sharpton moves along because he’s more of an overall evil. An every man’s evil, if you will.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People that passive-aggressively use memes on Facebook (4)

–

Matt- People That Sit on Welfare was the other big “winner” in the last round, completely demolishing their opponent.  Do I think they will have as easy of a time this next round with People That Post Passive Aggressive Memes on Facebook? Yes, yes I do.  I don’t see anyone in the field of competition that can take them down at this point. 

Nik- Agreed. I don’t know how this Memes one even got this far. It doesn’t stand a chance. Welfare it is. Move along.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

vs.

That guy that drives 65 in the left lane (3)

–

Matt-  Both of the winners here did so by the slimmest of margins, so it will be interesting to see who advances from this pairing.  I could see either moving on, especially because looters are not as prevalent in everyday life as people that can’t goddamn drive.  I’m going with the driver.  Familiarity wins. 

Nik- I’m actually going with Looters on this one, ‘cause I think they’re a greater evil, despite their being less prevalent. They have more of a societal effect.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Stephen Collins - Pedophilia (4)

–

Matt-  It’s the old-news asshole in Armstrong vs. the recent asshole in Collins.  Does the fact that people have had time to come to grips with Armstrong’s acts play into the voting process?  I say no, an asshole is an asshole.  It’s hard to say that anything is worse than pedophilia though.  I’m so conflicted.  A flip of the coin says Armstrong.

Nik- I’m going with Armstrong on this one too. In terms of quantity vs. quality, he takes the taco on this.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

vs.

Paula Deen - Racist (7)

–

Matt-  Clinton and Cosby escape unscathed as Paula Deen and Ray Rice move right along.  To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think either of these two would be here, but at least what Ray Rice did was a criminal act, which makes him an even bigger asshole in my mind.  I still find it hard to admonish an old white southern lady for being racist.  That would be like admonishing the sun for being bright, or John Travolta for being a closeted homosexual.  Rice moves on.

Nik- WHAT THE WHAT?! I am flabbergasted here. Not unpleasantly. Quite tickled, honestly, that we see these two. But in terms of being a wretched human being, I definitely have to say that Rice wins this one. Hell, he might make it a couple more rounds, at this point. And who is he? Does he play the footballs?

The Asshole Bracket: First Round Breakdown

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Adolf Hitler – Something to do with the extermination of an entire race of people (1)

vs.

Bernie Madoff – Ponzi’d the shit out of millions (8)

–

Matt-  Bernie Madoff is horrible, no doubt about it, but he’s facing Hitler.  Not Stan Hitler, or Jerry Hitler, Adolf Goddamn Hitler.  Just one more Jew to fall in Hitler’s wake…too soon?

Nik- I think Hitler’s been around long enough. It’s too easy to just go to him for history’s asshole. I think Madoff could really stand a chance in this.

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Napoleon Bonaparte – France’s dictator that went on an acquisition spree across Europe back when that kind of thing would start a war.(4)

–

Matt-  While what Napoleon did was horrible, Joseph McCarthy was a giant asshole.  Seriously.  The lives he ruined, of innocent people no less, on a witch hunt for communists who probably weren’t even Soviet sympathizers anyway is way worse.  He didn’t kill people, per se, but he ended their lives before they died.

Nik- The worst part of McCarthy? He inspired Arthur Miller to write The Crucible. Yeah, that’s right. It was actually an allegory for the Red Scare, philistines. I was an English major – that was a joke. But I do think McCarthy takes this win.

Dick Cheney – Seriously, what hasn’t this guy done? (6)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

–

Matt-  Cheney was the asshole that got America re-involved in Iraq over oil (don’t start with your WMD talk) and was basically GW’s puppet master for eight years, eight long, crappy years.  Stalin was like Hitler, but more covert.  What he did, he did to his own people too, not just those that he acquired via invasion.  Stalin was such an asshole, that he started as an ally and ended as the worst enemy of the Americans.  He has to win, right?

Nik- See, the thing is, everybody knows Stalin’s name, but he was overshadowed by Hitler, wasn’t he? I’m calling Cheney on this one. Definitely. The darkest human of our era. If he’s human…

Vladimir Putin – He’ll start World War III if given the chance, guaranteed (7)

vs.

John Wayne Gacy – Guilty of killing 33 boys and young men (2)

–

Matt-  Okay, as far as we know, Putin (or Pootie if you’re buddies) hasn’t really done much yet.  He does seem like the kind of guy that could become unhinged and start WWIII though.  John Wayne Gacy murdered, with his bare hands, 33 boys.  Who the hell does that!?  Gacy advances.  

Nik- I dunno. Gacy should just be lumped in with all other psycho serial killers, oughtn’t he? (Wow, “oughtn’t” does not trigger my spellcheck. I’ll be damned. It’s a legit word.)
That being said, I think Putin’s a pretty big piece of shit. He is well on his way to being up there with Hitler and Stalin, in terms of being crazy, genocidal dictator.
(full disclosure: I may be biased. My grandfather-in-law is off-the-boat Latvian, so he’s got a very strong opinion on what goes on in the Baltics.)

Entertainment Region:

Kanye West – He may be the antichrist (1)

vs.

Michael Bay – Transformers 1-4 (8)

–

Matt-  Yes, the Transformers movies killed a little bit of my childhood, but Kanye is the worst human being on the planet.  Kim Jung Un watches Kanye at the Grammys and thinks he’s a dick.  Seriously.

Nik- Like, ALL of the Transformers were shit. Especially the last one. Couldn’t finish it. As much as I love some Marky Mark. Kanye West is Kanye West. He certainly wins here.

Alex Rodriguez – A giant cocky asshole that cheated at baseball and sucks at life. (5)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

–

Matt-  Both of these assholes are assholes because we created them.  That does not excuse their behavior, just explains some of it.  A-Rod is pretty terrible, but the simple fact that Bieber will be around longer due to his age, which means we’ll have to put up with this asshole for a longer period of time is the winning blow for me.

Nik- I don’t know anything about baseball, so Justin Bieber has a distinct advantage here. Even if I knew who Alex “Panther Pants” Rodriguez was, I’d still give it to Bieber. I mean, didn’t millions upon millions of people sign a petition to get him deported back to Canada?
(I have a theory that everyone in Canada is so nice, because all of their assholery gets siphoned into one human being every generation. It just so happens that Bieber is that human being.)

Taylor Swift – Spotify, song lyrics, being generally unlikable (6)

vs.

Rush Limbaugh – Seriously?  It’s Rush.  He’s the king of the assholes (3)

–

Matt-  The term “entertainment” is being used rather loosely in this matchup. Taylor Swift is a black pit of despair for any guy that dares to stick his junk in her “black pit of despair” and Rush is a black pit of despair for rational thought.  I can’t stand Taylor Swift, but I have to give it to Rush, at least Swift can “sing”.

Nik- Rush Limbaugh is an ignorance-mongering shit bag, but less in the public eye than Swift is. Taylor Swift takes it out of pure exposure.

Dane Cook – Overall asshole (7)

vs.

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

–

Matt-  Cook was a suggestion by Nik, so I’m not too sure what makes him an asshole as much as just a giant douche (and yes, he is the giantest of giant douches) but against Al Sharpton?  Pretty much everyone pales in comparison to this asshole.  From using racism as the driving force of all his “activism” to being front and center anytime something negative (though sometimes justified) happens to a black person, but conspicuously absent when anything happens to a white person, he is the lowest level of scum.

Nik- I suggested Dane Cook, because isn’t the term “asshole” just a synonym for “douche”? Seriously, Dane Cook is pretty douchey. And, like the Swift/Limbaugh face-off, I think Cook takes it because of exposure here too. Politics takes a back seat to celebrity in these regards.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People with stick figure family stickers on their car (8)

–

Matt- Ultimately, it’s your car, you do what you want to it, deface it however you like.  I personally don’t care how many kids/cats/dildo attachments you own and the fact that you think anyone cares makes you kind of an asshole.  On top of the mountain of assholes rests someone that is perfectly capable of holding down a job but decides not to and then just cashes a check every month from the government.  Welfare advances, as they always do, while we foot the bill.

Nik- I don’t have a stick figure family on my car. I have *just* dildo attachments. A family’s worth. I’m really proud of that little guy on the end….
Welfare Sitters are a greater evil. Stick figure families are assholes only subjectively.

Local Sports Talk Radio Callers (5)

vs.

People that passive-aggressively use memes on Facebook (4)

–

Matt-  If I hear one more asshole from Liverpool explain how the Syracuse Basketball Team doesn’t play enough man-to-man defense I’m going to burn that village to the ground.  This may not be true for everyone in every town, but the sports fans in Central New York love to ramble and refuse to enunciate (or take the dick out of their mouth, I’m not sure which).  Of course this matches the sports talk radio hosts that all sound like they’re in the middle of an Eiffel Tower (go ask your mom).  On the other side of that, we have people that have no balls at all and would rather let other people put words in their mouth to say things about other people instead of either saying things directly to that individual or at least passively-aggressively writing things themselves.  Both are giant assholes, but considering the fact that I hear the Sports Talk Radio Callers all the time, I’ll go with them.

Nik- I’m not even going to weigh in on these. I could not give a single shit. Don’t care about sports. Don’t have a Facebook. So. Yup. (maybe just Facebook in general should’ve been an asshole choice…)

Walmart Cashiers (6)

vs.

That guy that drives 65 in the left lane (3)

–

Matt-  Walmart Cashiers may just be the single biggest group of assholes in the world in terms of overall numbers, but in the moment, when you’re behind that asshole on the highway that is in the left-most lane but going the same speed as everyone in the right hand lane…fuck that guy.  He wins, he has to win.  It’s not an everyday occurrence, but when it happens, you want to kill.

Nik- I don’t want to lump all Walmart Cashiers together, I just want to really specify the shitty ones. ‘cause I’ve had some decent ones. Some are just stuck in a shitty job, for a shitty company, that pays them shitty. But, that doesn’t excuse human decency.
Also, drive safely. Come on now, people. You gotta share the road. Be considerate.

People that own truck nuts (7)

vs.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

–

Matt-  Okay, so Al Sharpton kind of made it in the bracket twice, so sue me.  Looters are just as bad though.  Seriously, nothing says equality and justice like stealing twelve pairs of Jordans.  Truck Nuts are a cosmetic addition to your vehicle that show everyone you’re an asshole, like a trucker hat or trendy beard for your car.  Those that want to profit from civil unrest, those are the skid marks on the underpants of society.  They advance.

Nik- I didn’t know Al Sharpton had Truck Nuts…
Truck Nuts are offensive and assholery, for certain. But Looters are parasites on society. Looters move along.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Steve Jobs – General Asshole (8)

–

Matt-  Lance Armstrong ruined lives to protect a reputation built on lying and cheating while Steve Jobs was just a general asshole to many of the people in his life, including his own family.  Lance Armstrong would be my choice here, but just the level of asshole that Jobs was may be enough to push him through.

Nik- Don’t forget,  Armstrong divorced Sheryl Crow after he got better. She stuck by him and supported him during his ball-ectomy, and then she gets the short shrift once he gets better. I’m going to have to go with Lance, for the above, and all other general shittiness.

Woody Allen – Pedophilia (5)

vs.

Stephen Collins - Pedophilia (4)

–

Matt-  Which pedophile is the worst pedophile?  Personally, I would say that Stephen Collins was worse just because of the sanctimonious airs he put on when he had that kind of skeleton in his closet.  It’s like finding out your principal, the one who held you to a higher standard in school was, well, a pedophile. 

Nik- I have to agree on this one. I mean, c’mon, he was the dad on 7^th Heaven for cripes sake.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

vs.

Bill Clinton - Adultery (3)

–

Matt-  Both men hurt and humiliated their spouses.  Both spouses forgave them.  I’m not sure who are the bigger assholes, the men or women.  Clinton is higher on the list because he was the leader of the goddamn free world when he did it.  That makes him a pretty big asshole., and ultimately what I think pushes him through to the next round.  

Nik- Ray Rice. Period. Clinton’s transgressions were blown way out of proportion. Sure, adultery is shitty, but compared to spouse abuse? No way.

Paula Deen - Racist (7)

vs.

Bill Cosby - Rape (2)

–

Matt-  Paula Deen is an old Southern lady.  The fact that she’s a racist shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but it does make her a bit of an asshole.  Bill Cosby used his fame and notoriety to (allegedly) rape a bunch (and I do mean a bunch) of women.  Even though Cosby’s allegations are not proven, this makes him the bigger asshole in my book.

Nik- My mantra this season is that Cosby is the freshest wound, so he will go a long, long way in this. Frankly, that there are SO many allegations is a leeeeettle fishy. Innocent until proven guilty, or until someone slips you a mickey and you forget it ever happened, as the saying goes.
Paula Deen’s proven to be a buttery racist. So, frankly, I think she ought to win this one.
But, honestly, I think the Cos (wid da Jell-o pudding, waaaaah) moves on in this round.

The Asshole Bracket

            I love March Madness.  I love filling out my bracket, and I love watching it unfold over the month.  Hell, I even love the selection show.  In the spirit of one of the best times of the year, we are bringing back the Eat @ Shrimpy’s annual bracket.  This year, we want you, the people, to choose the biggest asshole of all time.  Joining me in the analysis of this bracket is my brother and longtime fan of all things bracket, Nik.

            A note about the selection and seeding process.  The assholes were split into four different Historical (the assholes you’d read about in your history books), Entertainment (the assholes you’d see on your television), General (the assholes you meet in your daily life) and Deceptive (the assholes that seem like good people, but they did some really bad shit).  I completely admit that I have probably forgotten an asshole or two, especially since we pared the initial field down to 32 instead of the usual 64.   

Okay Nik, before we get into the breakdown of the individual matchups, what’s your general thoughts on the bracket itself?  Do you think the seedings are accurate?  What are your predictions? We’ll pick our projected winner of each region, a big upset and a potential sleeper pick (from the lower seeds) that could come out of nowhere and shock the world. 

Nik: This can be a controversial one. But it’ll be interesting to see how people interpret each of these “assholes”.  Frankly, I’m not even really convinced of a definitive winner in this lineup.

As with every year, I’m not going to get into the “is the seeding fair”, ‘cause I still don’t know what the hell it is.

Region one – Historical:

Matt:  At first glance, you may say to yourself “well, if Hitler’s in there, he’ll definitely take it.”  Not so fast muchachos.  While I see him going far, Stalin is just as bad as Hitler in my opinion, and Gacy, while he did not have the volume of kills that those two did, killed all of his victims by hand.  That’s an asshole right there.

Winner:  Hitler (1)

Sleeper:  Dick Cheney (6) or Joseph McCarthy (5)

Upset:  Depending on the general mood of the voters, I could easily see Dick Cheney (6) winning the whole thing.  I don’t know if everyone gets how much of an asshole Joseph McCarthy (5) was.  So while I think he should advance a couple rounds, I don’t see it happening. 

Nik: I think this one’s going to be the easiest to have a definitive winner.  It’s easier to look at these people with the biggest disconnect. So it’s easier to choose.

Winner: Dick Cheney (6)

Sleeper: Dick Cheney (6)

Upset: Hitler (1) doesn’t win. I think the automatic, like Matt said, is everyone goes Hitler. But I think Cheny (6), the most soulless of anyone in the group, is going to covertly make his way to the top, and then everyone’ll realize that he’s been a piece of shit the whole time! Surprise.

Region two – Entertainment:

Matt:  Kanye West is the Adolf Hitler of this region.  I might go so far as to say that Kanye West is the Adolf Hitler of this generation…yup.  I said it.

Winner:  Kanye West (1)

Sleeper:  Bieber (4) – He’s such an asshole at such a young age that he might just win it.

Upset:  I see this one going about as planned.  The top four are such assholes that I can’t see the bottom four making it out of the first round.

Nik: The thing is, Kanye West is slightly less obnoxious than some of the others. Yeah, he’s a shit bag, but only when he speaks out.

Winner: Justin Bieber (4)

Sleeper: I think Dane Cook (7)  might have enough lasting power to make it a few rounds.

Upset: I think, for the most part, Taylor Swift (6) is America’s sweetheart. Even despite the whole Spotify thing. But we may see her going further than anticipated.

Region three - General:

Matt:

A full region of assholes you meet in your daily lives?  How can one choose?  Unfortunately I have a personal connection to a couple of these assholes, so my choices may seem biased.  However, if people that sit on welfare as their job (1) does not win, there is no hope for our country.  Please note, if you are one of the people in this region, you might be an asshole.  It may be time for some self-reflection.

Winner:  People who sit on welfare as their job (1)

Sleeper:  Walmart Cashiers (6) are just terrible assholes.  I can see them winning the whole thing just because they are the one asshole in this region that people have to deal with all the damn time.

Upset:  I’d go with either Walmart Cashiers (6) or Local Sports Talk Radio Callers (5).  They are both pretty terrible.

Nik: This is the most subjective, I think. ‘Cause even though there are some annoying ones in here, I don’t see all of them as being comparably asshole-ish.

Winner: Welfare Sitters (1) – and I really want to stress, it’s the people who abuse it,  because there are people out there who actually need it and benefit from it.

Sleeper: Stick Figure Family (8) – obnoxious enough to get up there.

Upset: I will be upset when Truck Nuts (7) does not get as high as it should.

Region four – Deceptive:

Matt:  Some of these assholes are a bit more current than their opponents, so that may color the judgment of the voters.  I am interested in seeing how the pedophile fight in the first round between Stephen Collins (4) and Woody Allen (5) goes down. 

Winner: Cosby (2)

Sleeper:  Jobs (8)

Upset:  I think, if Steve Jobs (8) can upset Lance Armstrong (1) in the first round, he could go the distance.  However, this is going to come down to what the voters deem as acceptable asshole-ish behavior.

Nik:

Winner: Bill Cosby (2) – he’s the freshest wound of the list.

Sleeper: I think Bill Clinton (3), as much as I love the guy, will make it down the road.

Upset: That Paula Deen (7) won’t get any further. I think she’d make it further were she not against Cosby in the first round.

Matt’s Final Four:

Hitler (1)

Kanye (1)

People that sit on Welfare as their job (1)

Cosby (2)

Projected Winner:  Kanye is the worst human being I have ever had the opportunity to witness in my lifetime.  He is the epitome of what is wrong with our country right now;  spoiled, entitled, conceited and just a giant asshole.  He beats out people that sit on welfare as their job for the title.

Nik’s Final Four:

Dick Cheney (6)

Justin Bieber (4)

Welfare Sitters (1)

Bill Cosby (2)

Projected Winner: Cosby takes it, I think. Like I said earlier, he’s the freshest wound, therefore the biggest evil on most minds. (but maybe Hitler will win. If it ain’t broke…)

Okay, that’s the initial breakdown.  To vote, just leave the names of the winners in the comments section, email me at shrimpman53@yahoo.com, or find me on facebook.  Voting will be open from Tuesday through midnight eastern time on Friday.  After that the votes will be tallied and we’ll get you an updated bracket with further analysis the following Tuesday.  Feel free to print the brackets out, ask around, poll your friends on who they think should win, or just send them here to vote themselves.  Feel free to start a rousing discussion of who should win in the comments as well, those are always fun.  Let’s just keep it civil, no one should be calling anyone else a doody-head.

We will be back later in the day today with a matchup-by-matchup breakdown and who we think will prevail.  Until then, happy voting!

And the winner is....

The Joker.

As if there was any doubt.

Thanks to those that took time to vote and comment!

Villain Bracket Final Round Breakdown

Please note, the names in italics are the movie/comic/cartoon/game that the villain appears.

 Ganon Legend of Zelda (2) vs. 

Joker Batman (2) –

Matt- Somehow, out of nowhere, Ganon took out Darth Vader last round, and what we are left with is this stunning matchup between two heavyweights in their respective genres (two heavyweights that still were not able to garner a number one seed surprisingly).  What we get is Ganon, the holder of the Triforce of Power and the scourge of Hyrule versus the Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime and Batman’s arch-nemesis.  Like we did last year, Nik and I will each espouse the merits of one particular combatant and let you be the judge.

I know how much Nik loves Ganon, so I’ll let him take that position, while I’ll paint the picture why the Joker should win.  My argument here is much the same as my argument for why Joker should have beat Shredder in the last round.  He is a cross-platform, multimedia villain.  Portrayals of the Joker, from movies, cartoons and video games have been highlights in the careers of the actors that have brought him to life.  This is not only a testament to their skill as actors but also to the source material.  This is pretty impressive for someone that is probably one of the most unlikable villains in history, to have him become the gold-standard when it comes to villainy.  There is no ulterior, save all the people by enslaving them motive when it comes to the Joker.  He’s nuts, he loves death and destruction and getting under Batman’s skin, and he will do anything to those ends, regardless of who it hurts.  Joker is truly the most evil villain in the entire bracket.

Beat that, Ganon.

Nik- Oh. Snap. I’m sure that everyone can imagine my utmost glee that Ganon actually made it here. 

Now’s his time to shine.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Legend of Zelda lore, each new game brings a brand new Hero of Time, and a new descendent (or ancestor) of Zelda. The same cannot be said for Ganon. The Ganon we fight every single time is always the same Ganon. Whether he’s that nasty Gerudo, or in his monster pig form as Ganondorf, he always breaks free of his bonds to cast Hyrule into darkness.

Ganon is the stuff that nightmares are made of. He is the wretched tales told by grandparents who lived through his reign of chaos. He is an evil that spans generations. He is never killed, he is only contained, if only for a few hundred years.

Yes, the Joker is BA, I totally give you that. But he is merely mortal. Ganon is much more than that, hell-bent on casting the world into darkness for all of eternity, so that he may sit at the throne and watch it all.

Beaten, Joker.

Villain Bracket Fifth Round Breakdown

 Please note, the names in italics are the movie/comic/cartoon/game that the villain appears.

Shredder Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (3) vs. 

Joker Batman (2) –

Matt- I like Shredder, but I think his villainy is a little uneven.  Sure, in the original comics and the movies he’s pretty badass, but in the 80’s cartoon series he’s a shell of his former self (it was a kid’s show after all, so I get that).  However, if you look across all of the various iterations of Joker, he’s pretty much a homicidal maniac in all of them.  While the fact that Uncle Phil was the voice of the Shredder, and that is a big plus in his corner, Mark Hamil’s Joker work, as well as the live action movie versions by Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger really cement Joker’s place in the final for me.  Joker is the quintessential villain.

Nik- Cannot agree more. Shredder put up a helluva fight to get here. He gets credit for that much. But, like Matt said, the Joker has had much more in history to prove how awesome he is. There are very few iterations (and there are so many) where he's kinda lame. And even when the Joker's lame, he's still one of the coolest Batman villains comparatively. So I'm thinking Shredder has lasted as long as he could here.

Darth Vader Star Wars (1) v. 

Ganon Legend of Zelda (2) –

Matt-  Fresh of dispatching the Predator, I anticipate Vader keeping up his momentum.  I know, you have a soft spot for Ganon, Nik, and I would have been more inclined to pick him as well, but just having finished A Link Between Worlds and seeing that he is not the big bad guy kind of cemented Vader’s status here.

Nik- This isn't fair. I want a recount. Hanging chads! I call hanging chads. Needless to say, I think this may be the end of Ganon. Vader is just too cool, too mainstream, too BA to not keep going here. I kind of knew he'd have a huge steamroll party, and I'm just pickled tink that Ganon has made it this far. Even though I'm thinking that Vader will win, my vote still goes to Ganon here. I think that he just may have a slim chance to get by the Darth here and get walloped by Joker next week.

Villain Bracket Fourth Round Breakdown

Please note, the names in italics are the movie/comic/cartoon/game that the villain appears.

Comic Book Region:

Galactus Fantastic Four (5) vs.

 Joker Batman (2) –

Matt- Galactus just barely got by Loki but he won’t make it past Joker.  If this was just about who would win in a fight, the trophy would have been awarded to Galactus three weeks ago.  This is about who is the most evil, the worst villain out there.  The fact that the Joker is so damn nuts makes him the perfect candidate to advance from the comic book region.

Nik- Agreed. I’m pleasantly surprised to see Galactus having made it this far. But I do believe it to be the end of the line for the big planet-eating cuddle bug. The Joker is just too cool, and as Matt said, too evil, to not keep up his momentum.

Cartoon Region:

Megatron Transformers (1) v. 

Shredder Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtles (3) –

Matt- Megatron squeaked by last round, almost succumbing to the might of Mumm-Ra.  Shredder proved he was the baddest mofo (yup, I just said mofo) in the Turtles universe, and now he takes down his 80’s counterpart.

Nik- Again, gonna have to agree here. There is too much nostalgia for the Turtles and Shredder here. I know the same generation that had Turtles had Transformers too, but I just think that Shredder had more of a role. I think we like the Turtles (and therefore their villains) more because they were more relatable in some bizarre way (i.e. not robots).

Movie Region:

Darth Vader Star Wars (1) v. 

Predator Predator (2)–

Matt-  By the narrowest of margins the Predator squeaked by the Xenomorph last round.  Alas his luck has run out and Vader Imperial Marches all the way into the final four.

Nik- So sad to see the Xenomorph taken down here. But, as every crummy Aliens vs. Predator movie has taught us, the one human survives to tell the story. In this case, Anakin Skywalker just so happens to be that person. But he’ll definitely put up one kick-ass fight.

Video Game Region:

Bowser Super Mario Brothers (1) v. 

Ganon Legend of Zelda (2) –

Matt- Bowser is awesome, but it has to be Ganon here, right?  At least Ganon has mixed up his evil plans over the years while Bowser is still capturing the damn princess.  Koopa’s reign is over.

Nik- I hate to do it, but I agree with Matt on this whole lineup. Yes, Bowser is one of the original baddies. He’s incompetent, a single dad, and never gives up, no matter how many times those little Italian stereotypes thwart his plans. He should have his own sitcom! That being said: you all know that I will go with Ganon to the end. Too cool not to win it.