The Asshole Bracket: First Round Breakdown

Please note, the italicized text is what that asshole did to garner the title.

Historical Region:

Adolf Hitler – Something to do with the extermination of an entire race of people (1)

vs.

Bernie Madoff – Ponzi’d the shit out of millions (8)

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Matt-  Bernie Madoff is horrible, no doubt about it, but he’s facing Hitler.  Not Stan Hitler, or Jerry Hitler, Adolf Goddamn Hitler.  Just one more Jew to fall in Hitler’s wake…too soon?

Nik- I think Hitler’s been around long enough. It’s too easy to just go to him for history’s asshole. I think Madoff could really stand a chance in this.

Joseph McCarthy – Labeled individuals as communists back when the “Red Scare” was a big deal.  Got people blackballed from their professions, ruined lives. (5)

vs.

Napoleon Bonaparte – France’s dictator that went on an acquisition spree across Europe back when that kind of thing would start a war.(4)

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Matt-  While what Napoleon did was horrible, Joseph McCarthy was a giant asshole.  Seriously.  The lives he ruined, of innocent people no less, on a witch hunt for communists who probably weren’t even Soviet sympathizers anyway is way worse.  He didn’t kill people, per se, but he ended their lives before they died.

Nik- The worst part of McCarthy? He inspired Arthur Miller to write The Crucible. Yeah, that’s right. It was actually an allegory for the Red Scare, philistines. I was an English major – that was a joke. But I do think McCarthy takes this win.

Dick Cheney – Seriously, what hasn’t this guy done? (6)

vs.

Josef Stalin – General Asshole.  Dictator of the main opponent of the United States and freedom in general (3)

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Matt-  Cheney was the asshole that got America re-involved in Iraq over oil (don’t start with your WMD talk) and was basically GW’s puppet master for eight years, eight long, crappy years.  Stalin was like Hitler, but more covert.  What he did, he did to his own people too, not just those that he acquired via invasion.  Stalin was such an asshole, that he started as an ally and ended as the worst enemy of the Americans.  He has to win, right?

Nik- See, the thing is, everybody knows Stalin’s name, but he was overshadowed by Hitler, wasn’t he? I’m calling Cheney on this one. Definitely. The darkest human of our era. If he’s human…

Vladimir Putin – He’ll start World War III if given the chance, guaranteed (7)

vs.

John Wayne Gacy – Guilty of killing 33 boys and young men (2)

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Matt-  Okay, as far as we know, Putin (or Pootie if you’re buddies) hasn’t really done much yet.  He does seem like the kind of guy that could become unhinged and start WWIII though.  John Wayne Gacy murdered, with his bare hands, 33 boys.  Who the hell does that!?  Gacy advances.  

Nik- I dunno. Gacy should just be lumped in with all other psycho serial killers, oughtn’t he? (Wow, “oughtn’t” does not trigger my spellcheck. I’ll be damned. It’s a legit word.)
That being said, I think Putin’s a pretty big piece of shit. He is well on his way to being up there with Hitler and Stalin, in terms of being crazy, genocidal dictator.
(full disclosure: I may be biased. My grandfather-in-law is off-the-boat Latvian, so he’s got a very strong opinion on what goes on in the Baltics.)

Entertainment Region:

Kanye West – He may be the antichrist (1)

vs.

Michael Bay – Transformers 1-4 (8)

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Matt-  Yes, the Transformers movies killed a little bit of my childhood, but Kanye is the worst human being on the planet.  Kim Jung Un watches Kanye at the Grammys and thinks he’s a dick.  Seriously.

Nik- Like, ALL of the Transformers were shit. Especially the last one. Couldn’t finish it. As much as I love some Marky Mark. Kanye West is Kanye West. He certainly wins here.

Alex Rodriguez – A giant cocky asshole that cheated at baseball and sucks at life. (5)

vs.

Justin Bieber – A shining example of what is wrong with today’s youth (4)

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Matt-  Both of these assholes are assholes because we created them.  That does not excuse their behavior, just explains some of it.  A-Rod is pretty terrible, but the simple fact that Bieber will be around longer due to his age, which means we’ll have to put up with this asshole for a longer period of time is the winning blow for me.

Nik- I don’t know anything about baseball, so Justin Bieber has a distinct advantage here. Even if I knew who Alex “Panther Pants” Rodriguez was, I’d still give it to Bieber. I mean, didn’t millions upon millions of people sign a petition to get him deported back to Canada?
(I have a theory that everyone in Canada is so nice, because all of their assholery gets siphoned into one human being every generation. It just so happens that Bieber is that human being.)

Taylor Swift – Spotify, song lyrics, being generally unlikable (6)

vs.

Rush Limbaugh – Seriously?  It’s Rush.  He’s the king of the assholes (3)

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Matt-  The term “entertainment” is being used rather loosely in this matchup. Taylor Swift is a black pit of despair for any guy that dares to stick his junk in her “black pit of despair” and Rush is a black pit of despair for rational thought.  I can’t stand Taylor Swift, but I have to give it to Rush, at least Swift can “sing”.

Nik- Rush Limbaugh is an ignorance-mongering shit bag, but less in the public eye than Swift is. Taylor Swift takes it out of pure exposure.

Dane Cook – Overall asshole (7)

vs.

Al Sharpton – Civil unrest profiteering and fingerpointing, a modern day Joseph McCarthy (2)

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Matt-  Cook was a suggestion by Nik, so I’m not too sure what makes him an asshole as much as just a giant douche (and yes, he is the giantest of giant douches) but against Al Sharpton?  Pretty much everyone pales in comparison to this asshole.  From using racism as the driving force of all his “activism” to being front and center anytime something negative (though sometimes justified) happens to a black person, but conspicuously absent when anything happens to a white person, he is the lowest level of scum.

Nik- I suggested Dane Cook, because isn’t the term “asshole” just a synonym for “douche”? Seriously, Dane Cook is pretty douchey. And, like the Swift/Limbaugh face-off, I think Cook takes it because of exposure here too. Politics takes a back seat to celebrity in these regards.

General Region:

People that use welfare as a job (1)

vs.

People with stick figure family stickers on their car (8)

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Matt- Ultimately, it’s your car, you do what you want to it, deface it however you like.  I personally don’t care how many kids/cats/dildo attachments you own and the fact that you think anyone cares makes you kind of an asshole.  On top of the mountain of assholes rests someone that is perfectly capable of holding down a job but decides not to and then just cashes a check every month from the government.  Welfare advances, as they always do, while we foot the bill.

Nik- I don’t have a stick figure family on my car. I have *just* dildo attachments. A family’s worth. I’m really proud of that little guy on the end….
Welfare Sitters are a greater evil. Stick figure families are assholes only subjectively.

Local Sports Talk Radio Callers (5)

vs.

People that passive-aggressively use memes on Facebook (4)

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Matt-  If I hear one more asshole from Liverpool explain how the Syracuse Basketball Team doesn’t play enough man-to-man defense I’m going to burn that village to the ground.  This may not be true for everyone in every town, but the sports fans in Central New York love to ramble and refuse to enunciate (or take the dick out of their mouth, I’m not sure which).  Of course this matches the sports talk radio hosts that all sound like they’re in the middle of an Eiffel Tower (go ask your mom).  On the other side of that, we have people that have no balls at all and would rather let other people put words in their mouth to say things about other people instead of either saying things directly to that individual or at least passively-aggressively writing things themselves.  Both are giant assholes, but considering the fact that I hear the Sports Talk Radio Callers all the time, I’ll go with them.

Nik- I’m not even going to weigh in on these. I could not give a single shit. Don’t care about sports. Don’t have a Facebook. So. Yup. (maybe just Facebook in general should’ve been an asshole choice…)

Walmart Cashiers (6)

vs.

That guy that drives 65 in the left lane (3)

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Matt-  Walmart Cashiers may just be the single biggest group of assholes in the world in terms of overall numbers, but in the moment, when you’re behind that asshole on the highway that is in the left-most lane but going the same speed as everyone in the right hand lane…fuck that guy.  He wins, he has to win.  It’s not an everyday occurrence, but when it happens, you want to kill.

Nik- I don’t want to lump all Walmart Cashiers together, I just want to really specify the shitty ones. ‘cause I’ve had some decent ones. Some are just stuck in a shitty job, for a shitty company, that pays them shitty. But, that doesn’t excuse human decency.
Also, drive safely. Come on now, people. You gotta share the road. Be considerate.

People that own truck nuts (7)

vs.

People that use civil unrest to loot stores and push their agenda (2)

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Matt-  Okay, so Al Sharpton kind of made it in the bracket twice, so sue me.  Looters are just as bad though.  Seriously, nothing says equality and justice like stealing twelve pairs of Jordans.  Truck Nuts are a cosmetic addition to your vehicle that show everyone you’re an asshole, like a trucker hat or trendy beard for your car.  Those that want to profit from civil unrest, those are the skid marks on the underpants of society.  They advance.

Nik- I didn’t know Al Sharpton had Truck Nuts…
Truck Nuts are offensive and assholery, for certain. But Looters are parasites on society. Looters move along.

Deceptive Region:

Lance Armstrong – Doping/Lying/Destroying the lives of those that were trying to expose his doping/lying (1)

vs.

Steve Jobs – General Asshole (8)

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Matt-  Lance Armstrong ruined lives to protect a reputation built on lying and cheating while Steve Jobs was just a general asshole to many of the people in his life, including his own family.  Lance Armstrong would be my choice here, but just the level of asshole that Jobs was may be enough to push him through.

Nik- Don’t forget,  Armstrong divorced Sheryl Crow after he got better. She stuck by him and supported him during his ball-ectomy, and then she gets the short shrift once he gets better. I’m going to have to go with Lance, for the above, and all other general shittiness.

Woody Allen – Pedophilia (5)

vs.

Stephen Collins - Pedophilia (4)

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Matt-  Which pedophile is the worst pedophile?  Personally, I would say that Stephen Collins was worse just because of the sanctimonious airs he put on when he had that kind of skeleton in his closet.  It’s like finding out your principal, the one who held you to a higher standard in school was, well, a pedophile. 

Nik- I have to agree on this one. I mean, c’mon, he was the dad on 7^th Heaven for cripes sake.

Ray Rice – Beat his wife (6)

vs.

Bill Clinton - Adultery (3)

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Matt-  Both men hurt and humiliated their spouses.  Both spouses forgave them.  I’m not sure who are the bigger assholes, the men or women.  Clinton is higher on the list because he was the leader of the goddamn free world when he did it.  That makes him a pretty big asshole., and ultimately what I think pushes him through to the next round.  

Nik- Ray Rice. Period. Clinton’s transgressions were blown way out of proportion. Sure, adultery is shitty, but compared to spouse abuse? No way.

Paula Deen - Racist (7)

vs.

Bill Cosby - Rape (2)

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Matt-  Paula Deen is an old Southern lady.  The fact that she’s a racist shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but it does make her a bit of an asshole.  Bill Cosby used his fame and notoriety to (allegedly) rape a bunch (and I do mean a bunch) of women.  Even though Cosby’s allegations are not proven, this makes him the bigger asshole in my book.

Nik- My mantra this season is that Cosby is the freshest wound, so he will go a long, long way in this. Frankly, that there are SO many allegations is a leeeeettle fishy. Innocent until proven guilty, or until someone slips you a mickey and you forget it ever happened, as the saying goes.
Paula Deen’s proven to be a buttery racist. So, frankly, I think she ought to win this one.
But, honestly, I think the Cos (wid da Jell-o pudding, waaaaah) moves on in this round.