My Hero

-Nik Magill

For quite some time now I have been an adoring fan of Alec Baldwin. I think he's a brilliant actor, has impeccable comedic timing, and is an all-around talented individual in whatever he takes on.

            For example, he has a podcast that's been going for a couple months now, called Here's the Thing, where he just interviews people. Celebrities, politicians, newsmakers; all with a new, insightful light to interviews that one would never find with someone like Barbara Walters. Baldwin makes things personal, and his interviewees just open up as if they were chatting in a cafe over an espresso and a danish. Here's the Thing isn't the point of this article, but I strongly suggest you check it out if you have access to podcasts.

            Alec kinda fell out of the spotlight for a little bit pre-30 Rock. But, when he landed that gig, he swept back onto our televisions, and into our hearts. Oh yeah, and then he became a media sensation as well. The last ten years have been nothing but an amazing rollercoaster ride of Baldwin's life. We've seen him ejected from a plane because he wouldn't turn off his phone while playing Words with Friends. He's smattered Twitter with his opinions and comments (I'm considering getting a Twitter account just to read his tirades). Then his crazy-banana-pants stalker, who claimed she was married to him, made some comments on Twitter; Baldwin retaliated by sicking his fans on the stalker via Twitter. The woman promptly deleted her account.

            Baldwin courted the idea of running for mayor of New York, but I think he's set that on the back-burner now as he's signed-on for a few more seasons of 30 Rock. He's engaged to a lovely lady about 30 years his junior. And normally, in this situation, a guy turns to another guy, hits him on the shoulder and says "Good for him! Yeah! A girl in her 20s for a dude in his 50s! *chauvinistic-lascivious-sexist-etc*" But, no sir. That lady is lucky to be marrying Alec Baldwin. Shit, sorry Raven, but if Alec proposed to me, I'd be filing the divorce papers an hour later. Those dreamy blue eyes... to paraphrase 30 Rock: "the steely blue eyes of an ice dragon". And it's with this lovely fiancé of his that the latest snafu has happened.

            The other day Mr. and the future-Mrs. Baldwin were leaving a building after having applied for their marriage license when, as to be expected when you're awesome, the parasitic paparazzi were there. They crammed their cameras in his face and crowded in, a clear invasion of personal space, and didn't give them any room to walk. Baldwin, as any would react in that situation, became defensive and pushed them back. Yes, he got violent. He did physically push the paparazzo. But, in a case such as this, when you deal with it so often, softly asking them to leave you alone will get you nowhere. If that were effective, I think celebrities everywhere wouldn't have the anger issues that we've seen. So, Baldwin did what needed to be done.

            In the picture, which is currently my desktop wallpaper, look at Baldwin's mouth. I imagine that he's saying "Fffff-f-frankly I'd prefer it if you took a step back." And I love the look on the paparazzo's face. "Nyah! Oh, how dare he get angry at me for invading his personal life?"

            Aside from just quietly asking them to leave you alone, I think that there's only one way to solve this paparazzi problem. Here's my proposal that I'm going to submit to the UN in their next summit.

            Everyone who is a paparazzo has to register to have a license. If you don't have a license, you can't do it. If you're caught doing it without the license, it's voyeurism and you get a hefty fine and jail time and have to register just like sex offenders. Now, those who are registered get someone assigned to them. That person then has the task of following the paparazzo around, taking pictures, being invasive at all the inconvenient times. That way they know exactly what it's like to experience the kind of offensive behavior that they subject their victims to. It'll create jobs. For America. Next, we pass a bill that makes it absolutely legal to attack a paparazzo if that person is doing their job. And if they're causing a dangerous situation, potentially lethal (I'm thinking Princess Diana, for those of you old enough to remember that fiasco), it is absolutely legal to kill them in self-defense. Think of it as an addition to the Stand Your Ground law. I put paparazzi down on the bottom of the list with corrupt politicians/lawyers and other scum who make their living preying on others. I think it is absolutely inexcusable, and if it has to happen, then they need to pay for their reprehensible behavior. Is it really necessary to know what Brad Pitt's current facial hair looks like when he goes for an outing with his (20?) kids? If they make it public, do a press release or a story for US Weekly, then it's fine. They've made that decision on their own. If they want to share that information, then so be it. But these people need their private lives too, damnit.

            So, if we get these rules shifted around, then I think celebrities would be happier, we normal folk would get more entertainment for our buck, and the paparazzi would get what they deserve. Win-win-win in my book.