Brimley

I bet you didn't see that coming.

Oh...you did?

Well aren't you clever.

Prescription Overfill

When your teeth hurt, something is definitely messed up, that's what I've learned.

As Needed

God Bless America indeed.

Bullet Dodged

It's always a good day when it's not rectal cancer.

Prescription Plan

This will end well.  These things always end well.

Checkup

Sometimes, my brother Nik will give me a plot and turn me loose.  

Usually those plots involve The Wormy Guy...which is interesting in and of itself.

The next two weeks are the fruit of one of those labors.  

Enjoy!

Eco-Friendly

On a few occasions, my brother Nik has sent me the text for strips.  Most of those are longer and will make good Sunday strips once I get around to putting them together.  This is one that Nik wrote that we were able to fit into a daily format.  It's nice when someone else understands the "voices" that inhabit my characters, makes me feel better knowing that those voices don't speak to just me.

Sketch

-Nik

                Matt said it earlier, but if I had to take one thing from the Sketch-a-Thon on Saturday, it is the reaffirmation of the goodness in humanity. And just like Matt, which you’ve probably noted from what little writing I’ve contributed to the site thus far, I’m quite the cynical bastard myself (genetics?).

                And don’t you worry, I’ve got my usual griping. But far less than usual, certainly. In fact, I’m only going to bitch about one thing. Only one! Over the 11.5 hours we were there (10am to 9:30pm, baby), I eventually lost count of how many times someone would stop at the table and then ask for directions to something in the mall. That’s right. A table set up solely for the purpose of fund raising, an organization having no correlation to the mall whatsoever, asked every hour or so, “Where is (insert store name)?” “Do you know where ________ is?” Or, my favorite, as we were strategically located right by four, yup, four elevators: “Can you tell me where the elevators are?” Am I wrong to be offended here? Is this not super friggin’ rude? Also, there are directories all over the gorram mall. I offered to get some maps so we could just hand them to the dumbshits, but Matt shot that idea down. “I don’t want word getting around that I have maps,” he said. (a good idea) My response? So when asked, we respond with “Well, you can go find it on your own, or you can donate $5 to Autism Speaks and you get this handy map here.” Needless to say, Matt shot that idea down too.

                Now, the good stuff. I have to say, I was so incredibly moved with what I saw on Saturday. I never thought to see someone approach the table and say, in all seriousness, “I think that I might have Autism.” Honestly, as I’m writing this, I’m kinda welling up a little, that Matt could reach someone like that. Just by setting up his table to sketch and get some money for a charity, he actually connected with people. He offered education, enlightenment, acknowledgement to something that could have been simply a thought, a doubt, a fear, an inkling of an idea. This guy walked away with several pamphlets and hand-outs, along with encouragement and advice from Matt.

                With that came the occasional passerby who would stop and praise Matt, commend him for donating his time and talent. Particularly those with Asperger’s. I think there were three of them all day. They would come up and shake Matt’s hand, wholeheartedly thanking him, donating money, praising his art and generosity. Also to be noted were those people with nothing to do with Autism, but donated anyway. Those people are lovely and wonderful, and not all of us can do that, just donate to any charity they see accepting donations, but they are to be commended. Another class is those who would stroll by, see a doodle of a character that they like, and be drawn in, then asking what was going on and donate.

                Lastly, the bulk of the business we saw that day was those touched by Autism. We saw people who babysat kids with it, we saw people who had cousins, children, family friends with Autism. One of the most notable groups, however, was all of the teachers. They seemed to be one of the most prominent people instantly drawn over to us. As soon as they saw the puzzle piece, they came over, pulling out their wallets. So ready to give monetarily, just as they give with their time and dedication at other times.

                Anyone who donated on Saturday, no matter the circumstances: thank you. I know, it’s impossible to donate to everything you see, but every penny helps. And it’s safe to say that Matt earned a decent little chunk for Autism Speaks for his first event. Let’s hope we see it doubled next year. And an absolutely special thank you to Matt, for dedicating so much time, months in advance all the way right up to the day. For persisting and fighting to go through all of the hoops and paperwork just to set up a table to get money for a charity. He’s a great man, a fantastic father, and an incredibly talented artist.

                And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: my sketch suggestion at 8:30pm - Einstein riding a Xenomorph (which looks vaguely like a tauntaun).

                

Happy Birthday

For those of you that don't know, it's my brother (and editor, and writing partner) Nik's birthday today.  

If you see him, give him a hug.  Don't say happy birthday or anything, just give him a hug, and walk away.  

You can consider that my birthday present as well.

Tops of ‘12

-Nik

            As I sit here alone (Raven is downstate visiting the family), drinking Sam Adams Winter Lager, listening to the Americana radio station on Pandora, I realize that the end of the year is a nigh two days hence. Thus, like most people who’ve not accomplished all they’d’ve liked to in the past year, I reflect. And so, I present to you my favorites of 2012.

Book - The Rise of Ransom City – Felix Gilman (11/27/12)

            I have to admit, I haven’t even read this yet. But, it is the long-anticipated sequel to the best book that I’ve read. In my entire life. No kidding. Chances are you haven’t read it, so get out there and pick up The Half-Made World. It is a gritty, sexy, phenomenally written steampunk western. Gilman’s writing is raw and real, and the world he creates, along with the lore and credible existence of some things that could very easily become absurd, puts this book on the top of my list. The steampunk is just enough, as is the western, neither of which is shoved down your throat. Those are more simple trifles compared to the characters and over-all story. I love how human his characters are, their flaws evident in their presentation, making you feel for them far more than if they were perfect. Once I finish the book I’m reading currently, Ransom City is next on my list, and I look so forward to it.

Movie - Cabin in the Woods – Joss Whedon (4/13/12)

            The brilliant mind behind so much nerdy (if you haven’t seen Firefly, Serenity, or Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog, you should be ashamed of yourself), has graced us with a truly amazing horror flick for our generation. The dialogue is hilarious (true Whedon dialogue), the story is just campy enough to be tongue-in-cheek, and it pays an honest and creative homage to all horror movies that came before it. Plus, the twist in the end is really quite brilliant, making it one of the very few movies that had me surprised at the end, my guesses being wrong the whole time. It’s not available for streaming yet, but if you have the physical dvd option of Netflix, I definitely urge you to check it out. It is a true work of cinematic art in a time when we’re stuck with old, fat, washed-up action stars all piling into one movie just to make a buck.

Album - Bitter Drink, Bitter Moon  - Murder By Death (9/25/12)

            It was a close one here, almost tied with Mumford & Sons’s Babel, but I gotta go with MBD for the win. These grungy, folky, Cash-esque rockers released their sixth studio album with the help of kickstarter this year, and it did not disappoint. I love the way that each one of their albums has had a different sound, and each successive one shows how much they’ve grown and evolved in their sound. I was first introduced to MBD with this song, so if you like it, look into more. That song is from In Bocca al Lupo, their 4^th studio album. I would look into that one, Bitter Drink, Bitter Moon, and Good Morning, Magpie (#5) for your first real exposure, then, if you really like them, look into their earlier stuff. It gets harder, gruffer, darker, but it’s oh-so good. I love the unique sound that Adam Turla’s voice brings, and I’m always a sucker for Sarah Balliet’s cello.

Comic - Saga – Brian K. Vaughan (3/14/12)

            Now, I know Matt was rather unkind to Saga in his review here, but I really have to say, starting from issue one (and it’s only at 8 now), this comic is one of the most original, well-written and drawn comics that I’ve yet to read. Vaughan (of The Runaways fame, among other things) gives us a unique story in a brilliantly crafted universe, always giving us just enough information to keep us wanting more while still sating our burning curiosity that is rekindled after each issue. Think of it, in the absolute simplest of terms, as Romeo & Juliet in space. Now, put in bounty hunters, aliens, a cat that can tell if you’re lying, ghosts, giants with huge, pendulous units, spaceships made of wood, and magic, and you’ve got an amazing story that can only get better with each chapter. It’s not too late, pick it up.

Video Game - Halo 4 – 343 Studios (11/6/12)

            The long-awaited, highly-anticipated quadrequel (fourth sequel, wha?) hit the shelves just in time for the holidays. I haven’t played a whole lot of the campaign, but who buys Halo for single player? The multi-player is the best yet, carrying on in the amazing blast-the-shit-out-of-your-friends tradition established by the predecessors in the title. The most noteworthy thing about the game, however, is the graphics. Halo 3 came out in 2007, and the graphics there were on par with most other high-standard xbox 360 games at the time, but 4 puts them to shame. They reskinned all of the aliens, which came as a bit of a shock at first, because you get used to them running around, almost cartoony, but very shortly you grow accustomed the incredibly successful transition into, for lack of a better term, more realistic looking graphics of your enemies. If you’ve been thinking about buying it, pick it up right now, because it’s on sale at Gamestop for $39.99 (instead of the $59.99) for the brand new, and I don’t think it’ll last much longer. It is certainly a successful sequel that does the Halo franchise justice.

            Here’s to a good year past, may we learn from the things that sucked. And here’s to a good year to come. May the good outnumber the things that suck. May you all find and feel love, laugh freely, learn infinitely and enjoy yourself and others.

‘Tis the Season

by Nik

            I don’t know when it happened, but I’ve become anti-Christmas. I’m fairly certain it was around the same time that I became defeated by reality and humanity. Christmas, to me, has become another one of those stupid holidays (Valentine’s Day, I’m looking at you) where people go out and spend all of their hard-earned money from the year prior. They don’t spend it on useful things, or on the debt that they’ve accrued. No. It’s usually on shit. And our society encourages this.

            Do you want to stimulate the economy? Cancel Black Friday and call it Pay Your Bills Friday. Hell, make a decree: this year no one gets presents. You’re all going to be responsible adults and pay off what you already owe instead of adding to that mountain. And no, this doesn’t mean that we love our children or our spouses or our family less. That’s just stupid. My love is not quantified by the amount of money that I spend. Instead, get together. Enjoy each other’s company. Eat lots of good, homemade food. Craft something. Make something by hand. That speaks far more to love than easily spending sixty bucks on an xbox game.

            Retail: you are the number one culprit here. Playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving? Putting up Christmas decorations in October? Having Christmas sales signs up pre-Halloween? Just leave the shit up all year. You might as well. It’s become a pestilence. But I can only complain so much, because it apparently works; those Black Friday sales where stores open up at midnight, if not earlier. The numbers don’t lie. And that makes me sad. In a way, maybe it’s a good thing when people cram themselves up against the doors at Wal*Mart and the first ten get trampled in the oncoming rush. Thinning the herd, right? Darwinism at work. Since disease doesn’t take people out nearly as much as it did our ancestors, nature’s found a new way. Life finds a way. – Dr. Ian Malcolm. Yes, it’s a tragedy. And it’s probably a really terrible way to go: trampled by voracious soccer moms bare-knuckle boxing each other for the last Tickle Me Altar Boy^tm on the shelves. But, maybe it’s Fate’s way of saying “You shouldn’t procreate”. Maybe, in 50 years time, the last of the Black Friday shoppers will be kept in a cage as an endangered species, or be stuffed on exhibit like the Tasmanian Tiger, for us all to learn from the mistakes of the past.

            The big question I’m leading to with this rant is: Is it worth it? Is it worth the loss of sleep, the clear physical danger, the material possession, just to save money on some shit that you didn’t need in the first place? Logic does not seem to prevail in a world fascinated with reality tv stars only famous because they had a sex tape leak. (Is “leak” really the best word to use in reference to a sex tape? Gross) Think about it. (not the sex tape thing, the previous paragraphs) I implore you before the next holiday seasons rolls around (in June).

            And just one statement on Christmas Carols. Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite is the essential Christmas music, in my opinion. If you don’t know it, or haven’t heard it in a while, find it. I’m sure you can find it all for free online. Do yourself the favor. 

Thank you post

I just want to give a quick Thank You to my brother (and editor) Nik, who still finds time to tell me everything that I am doing wrong when it comes to writing even through his hectic and crazy schedule.  While he does not have anything of his own to plug at the moment, please check out the link to the right as his wife Raven is developing a webcomic of her own.  I have seen the sketches and heard the pitch, it's going to be a lot of fun!  Thanks again!

Concert Review - Mumford & Sons

-Nik Magill

Yup, Nik is back!  Here is his review of a recent concert he attended with his lovely wife Raven.

                One of the very few good things that I can say came out of my previous job was that it had a connection with the CMAC Performing Arts Center in Canandaigua. And with that connection came my opportunity to buy tickets for shows a day before they went on sale to the public. With this opportunity, I absolutely could not say no to second row seats to see Mumford & Sons this past Tuesday (8/7/12).

                Raven and I have seen a handful of our favorite bands in concert so far. I’ve seen Jethro Tull about five times now. Raven and I saw Carbon Leaf and Murder By Death at the Water Street Music Hall here in Rochester as well. I will say, hands down, the Murder By Death concert (October ’10) was the best show I’ve ever seen. If you’re not familiar with the venue, it’s tiny. The stage is a scant three feet off the ground, and the crowd presses right up to the front to be right in the action with the band. Raven and I were mushed right up front with MBD, rocking out the whole time. It felt like they were performing in our basement, it was so simple and personal. So much so that, at the end of the night, the bassist tossed his pick into the audience, where it struck me in the chest. To this day I have it framed with the tickets and wrist-bands from the event. I shit you not.

                Back to Mumford. Whereas MBD was the best, this show definitely comes definitely in second. The simple yet epic presentation made it amazing. If it were in a tiny venue like Water Street, I think it would have felt even more amazing, but it’s apples and oranges at this point.

                Firstly, Canandaigua, if you’re going to have a ridiculously huge concert stadium in your old fashioned little town, you need to do something about your limited roads. Raven and I sat in traffic for about an hour and a half to get there, because everyone else was driving to the concert at the exact same time. That being said, we missed the entire opening act, and only got to see three songs from the secondary act, Dawes. Dawes was decent, from what I heard, but upon listening to their albums, I found that I only enjoyed the three songs that I actually heard live. The best part about them? Their drummer makes some super crazy faces when he plays. The whole time. He was out of control.

                Mumford came on around 9pm (and played until about 10:45). For the first song and a half, I’m not going to lie, I was slightly concerned. I don’t know if it was just me, my ears, or my positioning in reference to the stage and speakers (second row-center, baby!) but they sounded a little off. Every now and then it felt like the banjo would plunk out of key, or the keyboard and banjo were all playing at different tempos than the guitar. But, shortly into the second song, things smoothed out and it became amazing. Their simple stage effects consisted of: a half-dozen strings of lights that went from the stage up into the rafters over the audience, a few light boxes that cycled through a couple patterns (completely unnecessary, in my opinion), some bigger lamps that’d flash or glow according to the song, and their logo backdrop that cycled from the Running Horses to Gent in a Top Hat back to Running Horses over the course of the evening.

                The new music that they played, off of their upcoming sophomore album Babel, was great to hear. A ton of people in the audience were actually familiar with most of those songs, as the band has been playing them at concerts for the last few years, and thus the songs have been present on the internet for some time. One in particular, however, was the song “Lover of the Light”. Hands down a new favorite of mine and Raven’s. It’s up there with Carbon Leaf’s “Lake of Silver Bells” in terms of uniqueness, beauty and almost-make-you cry-ness. But the classics from their first album Sigh No More were just as amazing.  Some songs of note include “Little Lion Man” (the song that introduced me to Mumford when I saw them on a random viewing of David Letterman four years ago), my personal favorite (because it’s so damn passionate!) “White Blank Page”, and the one that I whispered to Raven about halfway through the show, “I hope they play ‘The Cave’.” And they did. It was their final song of the encore. And it was awesome.

                Surprisingly, lead vocalist and whom I thought of as the face of Mumford & Sons, Marcus Mumford was relatively quiet throughout the night. He spoke every now and then, but the true face and mouthpiece that evening was the pianist, Ben Lovett. He was funny and charming, and you could tell that he knew that he’s the pretty one of the band. Banjo player Country Winston Marshall said one sentence the whole night, and bassist Ted Dwane was mysteriously silent throughout the evening. I would have loved some fun banter from everyone, but it certainly didn’t detract from the show. Another bit of note is that not a single member stuck to their dominant instrument. All night we saw people jumping around from guitars (acoustic and electric) to keyboards to drums to bass (stand-up and electric) to banjo (acoustic and electric) to accordion to mandolin. Even the accompanying (not part of the band, but part of the show) violinist and horn section branched out to piano and guitar and shaker at times. It must be said, these are some straight-up talented musicians. They know their shit.

                If you love Mumford & Sons and haven’t seen them live, you absolutely must to get that full experience of how unbelievably talented they are. If you aren’t familiar with Mumford & Sons and have some interest in modern Americana (even though they’re British)/Folk music, these are the guys to start with. Check out the links to some of their songs. You just may like them. (also check out Carbon Leaf, and definitely Murder By Death, if you’re so inclined)

Newest Nom News

 -Nik Magill

            Latest news here from our purported Pretzel Head! Turns out, not a Pretzel Head at all!

            In the most horrifying twist yet, all that was found in his system was marijuana. Not even synthetic to make him lose his shit, it appeared to be just the regular ol' hashish kind. They didn't find booze or lsd or bath salts or steroids or anything.

            So why did they automatically jump to the conclusion of bath salts if they had no proof? And, as far as I've seen, this incident was the first really big situation to bring bath salts into the media. What I'm getting from this, from my crack reporting skills (inserting tongue into cheek), is that even though this may be the first thing to reveal bath salts to the general population, the authorities (whomever they may be) have been well-aware of bath salts, and the horrid things that bath salts can make people do. If they weren't aware of the side effects, like a great majority of America wasn't, then they couldn't have jumped to the bath salt conclusion, could they?

            This leads me to wonder: Since it turned out that this instance wasn't bath salts, what about all of the other times that we've seen bath salts crop up since then? There was one where a guy was on his roof with an unloaded shotgun, screaming at the people to get off of his front lawn. The people who weren't there... And then the one I mentioned before of the lady who beat the snot out of her daughter and then died in the process of being arrested after being tazed and pepper sprayed. Were those both instances of bath salts, or just the convenient excuse used to explain away erratic behavior that is becoming a horrifying phenomenon?

            As far as I've heard, all character witnesses for the Miami Zombie have stated that he was a soft-spoken, kind, religious man. Sure he had a few run-ins with the law in the past, but he was a changed man, and who hasn't? (present author not included) So what could have caused this guy to strip to the buff, swing from a light post, and then cause puncture wounds to the chest, brain damage and facial chewage to a hapless homeless?

            And I just remembered, didn't they say it could take over a year for us to hear anything? I'm certainly not complaining. Maybe they read my last article and decided it was an important enough story to push through the pipes.

            I'm super excited at these recent developments, that we're getting to see this unfold in a reasonable amount of time, and every new tidbit is a complete surprise! Hopefully soon we'll hear something about what was actually going on with the attacker, and maybe some development on the attackee as well. Stay tuned, my little Pretzelers.

My Hero

-Nik Magill

For quite some time now I have been an adoring fan of Alec Baldwin. I think he's a brilliant actor, has impeccable comedic timing, and is an all-around talented individual in whatever he takes on.

            For example, he has a podcast that's been going for a couple months now, called Here's the Thing, where he just interviews people. Celebrities, politicians, newsmakers; all with a new, insightful light to interviews that one would never find with someone like Barbara Walters. Baldwin makes things personal, and his interviewees just open up as if they were chatting in a cafe over an espresso and a danish. Here's the Thing isn't the point of this article, but I strongly suggest you check it out if you have access to podcasts.

            Alec kinda fell out of the spotlight for a little bit pre-30 Rock. But, when he landed that gig, he swept back onto our televisions, and into our hearts. Oh yeah, and then he became a media sensation as well. The last ten years have been nothing but an amazing rollercoaster ride of Baldwin's life. We've seen him ejected from a plane because he wouldn't turn off his phone while playing Words with Friends. He's smattered Twitter with his opinions and comments (I'm considering getting a Twitter account just to read his tirades). Then his crazy-banana-pants stalker, who claimed she was married to him, made some comments on Twitter; Baldwin retaliated by sicking his fans on the stalker via Twitter. The woman promptly deleted her account.

            Baldwin courted the idea of running for mayor of New York, but I think he's set that on the back-burner now as he's signed-on for a few more seasons of 30 Rock. He's engaged to a lovely lady about 30 years his junior. And normally, in this situation, a guy turns to another guy, hits him on the shoulder and says "Good for him! Yeah! A girl in her 20s for a dude in his 50s! *chauvinistic-lascivious-sexist-etc*" But, no sir. That lady is lucky to be marrying Alec Baldwin. Shit, sorry Raven, but if Alec proposed to me, I'd be filing the divorce papers an hour later. Those dreamy blue eyes... to paraphrase 30 Rock: "the steely blue eyes of an ice dragon". And it's with this lovely fiancé of his that the latest snafu has happened.

            The other day Mr. and the future-Mrs. Baldwin were leaving a building after having applied for their marriage license when, as to be expected when you're awesome, the parasitic paparazzi were there. They crammed their cameras in his face and crowded in, a clear invasion of personal space, and didn't give them any room to walk. Baldwin, as any would react in that situation, became defensive and pushed them back. Yes, he got violent. He did physically push the paparazzo. But, in a case such as this, when you deal with it so often, softly asking them to leave you alone will get you nowhere. If that were effective, I think celebrities everywhere wouldn't have the anger issues that we've seen. So, Baldwin did what needed to be done.

            In the picture, which is currently my desktop wallpaper, look at Baldwin's mouth. I imagine that he's saying "Fffff-f-frankly I'd prefer it if you took a step back." And I love the look on the paparazzo's face. "Nyah! Oh, how dare he get angry at me for invading his personal life?"

            Aside from just quietly asking them to leave you alone, I think that there's only one way to solve this paparazzi problem. Here's my proposal that I'm going to submit to the UN in their next summit.

            Everyone who is a paparazzo has to register to have a license. If you don't have a license, you can't do it. If you're caught doing it without the license, it's voyeurism and you get a hefty fine and jail time and have to register just like sex offenders. Now, those who are registered get someone assigned to them. That person then has the task of following the paparazzo around, taking pictures, being invasive at all the inconvenient times. That way they know exactly what it's like to experience the kind of offensive behavior that they subject their victims to. It'll create jobs. For America. Next, we pass a bill that makes it absolutely legal to attack a paparazzo if that person is doing their job. And if they're causing a dangerous situation, potentially lethal (I'm thinking Princess Diana, for those of you old enough to remember that fiasco), it is absolutely legal to kill them in self-defense. Think of it as an addition to the Stand Your Ground law. I put paparazzi down on the bottom of the list with corrupt politicians/lawyers and other scum who make their living preying on others. I think it is absolutely inexcusable, and if it has to happen, then they need to pay for their reprehensible behavior. Is it really necessary to know what Brad Pitt's current facial hair looks like when he goes for an outing with his (20?) kids? If they make it public, do a press release or a story for US Weekly, then it's fine. They've made that decision on their own. If they want to share that information, then so be it. But these people need their private lives too, damnit.

            So, if we get these rules shifted around, then I think celebrities would be happier, we normal folk would get more entertainment for our buck, and the paparazzi would get what they deserve. Win-win-win in my book.

Zombies, Bath Salts and You

Last week I got scared. I hadn't heard anything about our Miami Zombie case in a while. Then, an untrustworthy source at work informed me that our poor victim had not survived the attack. I mourned the loss, and then kept my eyes peeled to see if I could find any stories about unexpectedly arisen bodies. Perhaps someone having shuffled forth from the morgue, or crawled out of a shallow grave to shamble through a children's playground. Needless to say, I didn't see anything of the sort in the news. So I just assumed that it had happened and the government had kept it quiet.

Then, yesterday, on a whim, right before we closed at work, I checked the news one more time for the day. And, lo and behold, I was presented with this gem. The story, and Ronald Poppo, are still alive.

Just a note, Brian Hamacher and Diana Gonzalez (of NBCMiami.com fame, of course) clearly didn't read my last post. They continue to insist upon using the phrase "face mauled off". No. Bad writer. We don't do that. Bad. *hits writers on collective nose with rolled up newspaper*

Now that that's out of the way. So, the victim is awake, eating, even talking, and shockingly seems to be in high spirits, despite the whole facey-eatey episode two and a half weeks ago. He seems to be doing okay, aside from the infection and the recovery process (the skin over the one remaining eye so that it can heal, eww). On top of that, he's working with social workers and mental health professionals, so it sounds like he's getting some good care and well on his way to recovery (if he doesn't turn).

An important fact coming to light in this article, one that we haven't seen before: before he attacked Poppo, Eugene was throwing his clothes into traffic and swinging on a light pole. Now, if this didn't end in cannibalism, this would actually be a hilarious story. The dude never would have gotten shot, there would have been a naked chase scene through the streets: two over-weight beat cops huffing and puffing after a nude man howling as his bare feet slapped against the asphalt, vaulting off of benches, mailboxes and light posts, tackle waving care-free in the breeze.

They're still making the Bath Salts claim. But, unfortunately, we may not know for quite some time, as they won't release the autopsy info until after the shooting investigation is done. And that could take over a year. Who knows where we'll be in year?! They need to rearrange their priorities and realize that the public is dying to know!

All silliness aside, we've got another instance of Bath Salts here. In my home territory of Upstate New York, no less. Guess the glamorous drugs can permeate all the way out to cow country.

Staties got sent to this lady's apartment because she was beating the snot out of her kid, and it turns out, oh snap, Bath Salts. They used pepper spray and a stun gun to subdue her, to no avail! So, we know two things from Bath Salts. They apparently send you into a blind rage, and you are unhindered by conventional weaponry. What if Bruce Banner was never actually exposed to Gamma Radiation? What if he was just a Salter? (a term I just made up for Bath Salts users, of course. Or what about a Bather. I kind of like that one better. Oh! Or Pretzel Head! Get it? Salt? That one's a stretch...)

So they finally get her into handcuffs, and then manage to get her to the hospital. Where she dies. So, now that we've (at least) two documented cases of Bath Salts, and they've both ended in crazy-face death, let's review. Now, for those two, I'm sure there are dozens of undocumented cases where people went bonkers that we don't know about. But, there are also hundreds of cases where the Bath Salts were taken "succesfully". (I say that ironically, because I can't really see taking drugs recreationally as ever being a success)

That being said, if we're starting to see the results, the potential dangers of using this drug: going insane and dying (certainly things I would consider negative side-effects), then why are people still using them?

Now, this opens up a whole new can of worms about recreational drug use that I don't intend to get into: Why do something to your body knowing full-well that it can do some serious harm?

These two stories are just a start to what is most-likely going to be a rash of cases that involve this new drug and how it obliterates the user. Hopefully the next one will be more comic, less tragic.

Parenting - An outsider's and insider's view

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ZomNom 2

by Nik Magill

News Update as of 6/1:

This is a follow-up to my previous ZomNom article.

Okay, so I'm a tad less worried now that I know this guy was known as the "Miami Zombie". So it didn't go completely unnoticed or ignored.

So we've got ids for both Nommer and Nommie. Not much is said about the victim, which, I suppose isn't very crucial to the story, he was just on the wrong bridge at the wrong time. Wearing the wrong clothes, apparently.

It's our assailant that still fascinates me.
So he has a record. Some possession and selling. But I can't imagine a pot history is going to make you go all Walking Dead on anyone. And he has a battery charge too. But, to quote Shakespeare, battery does not a face-chewer make.
The girlfriend claims that he wasn't a hard drug user, that he was sweet and gentle, and he carried and read a Bible regularly. She thinks that he could have been drugged unknowingly, or that it could be voodoo. If this had happened in Louisiana or Mississippi, I'd be all over the voodoo idea. But in Miami? Then again, I don't know, maybe there is a large enough population of voodoo practitioners down in America's Wang to make it probable. I can believe it.

Also, maybe he was using without her knowledge. I don't know the guy, so I can't speak to his character, but isn't that a possibility? Maybe he goes to his job at the car wash and takes some bath salts to get through the day of disrespectful, irate customers. Hell, if I took drugs, I'd consider it at my job.

The final option, which has just come into light with the addition of religion into this story, is demon. Why not? If this guy regularly carries, and reads to his girlfriend, the Bible, then what's to say that this dude wasn't possessed? Maybe it was a trial posed by his god. Or his devil, for that matter. This kinda stuff happened all the time in biblical times. If the guy wasn't shot, maybe he would have needed an exorcism to set things right. Where the hell's John Constantine when you need him?

Now, two complaints in this unraveling story this far.

This story now tells us that the poor victim has lost "...more than 80 percent..." of his face. Get your facts straight and your percents right! I expect only 70 to 75 percent gone! How can I visualize the victim without knowing the proper percentage of missing face?!

I jest.

However, I do take offense to the sentence: "...the face-eating attacker who mauled off most of another man's face..."
Seriously? "Mauled off"?
Dictionary.com tells us this:
            maul - [mawl] - verb
                        definition 4: to injure by a rough beating, shoving, or the like; bruise: to be mauled by an angry crowd
I understand the desire to diversify your vocabulary to keep your stories fresh and unrepetetive, but don't pick just any word that sounds like it could be right. Granted, I'm a huge English nerd, so it really bothers me, but I think even the lay-person will see "mauled off" and think, wha? It doesn't flow, it doesn't make sense, and no one's ever heard it before, so it doesn't fit. The more I read the news from MSNBC, the more I appreciate NPR, and the more I know that most mainstream journalism really is lacking in integrity.

The vic is still in critical condition, but we'll see if he dies and then reanimates. We'll see if there's an autopsy on the Miami Zombie, if we learn anything that could have led to his going bananas. And I'll report on anything else that is uncovered, I'm sure, as this is one of the more interesting news stories I've seen in a while!

ZomNom

by Nik Magill

Article 1

Article 2

First of all, read those. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Now I need to provide a disclaimer: were I given much of an option, I wouldn't voluntarily read news from MSNBC. But, at work, it's the only site that actually comes through, so that is the main source of my news. I'm ashamed. I hang my head in virtual shame. I'm more an NPR guy, but, alas, I get it where I can.

That being said, let's discuss these articles.

The first one I read on 5/29. The second I found on 5/30.

My biggest problem with these articles is: how is there literally no reference to zombies? "But Nik, it's a credible news source." you say. "Nik, why would they mention something so trivial, so silly, in an informed news story?" you ask. Well, for what it's worth, I've seen more poop jokes from MSNBC news stories than I care to shake a poo-covered stick at. Even in the more serious news stories, there are sophomoric jokes, blatant typos, and a general lack of strict journalistic professionalism. A quick example: I just read an article where they failed to capitalize the last name of the man in the story every single that they used it. (I rest my case)

So, what is stopping an obvious reference in this news story? Particularly with this current generation's infatuation with the living dead, why not go for the low-hanging fruit? Especially in our fast-paced media world, when our attention is 140 characters long, and lasts only as long as the last status update, why not put something in there that'll grab attention instantly, drawing someone to read your story who may otherwise not have looked at it?

So this guy's riding his bike. He comes upon one naked dude literally chewing the face off of another naked dude.

What do you do in this situation?

a) Get off your bike and yell at the chewer to "Get off!"

b) flag down a police car to handle the situation

c) get the hell out of there because there is a human being chewing on another, and you don't want to be the next snack

I choose c. Am I being silly? Maybe. But my sense of self-preservation is a little too high to handle a potential Zed unarmed. Even if zombiism were completely impossible (which, as I'm sure you can tell, I'm not totally convinced is the case), I don't think that I'd be stopping to fend off naked-guy-on-naked-guy-chomping-action. The guy's clear bananas, who knows if he's going to lunge at you next?

Did the officer do the right thing? Should he have shot the guy or called for back-up and tried to subdue him? Well, it was a matter of life and death, right? As he's chowing down on this other guy, the officer had to act, otherwise the entree could die. As it is, the hobo is in critical condition and missing 75% of his face. What?! That's right. That means the man consumed "An eye, his ears, and his lips..." That is commitment. Especially for the eyeball. Those suckers pop. If he'd been left any longer, the nose'd be gone and he'd work his way down to the throat next, where those pesky arteries dwell.

Now, they're blaming these shenanigans on a new form of LSD, known as "bath salts". Frankly, I've never dabbled in anything other than a little light drinking, so I can't truly speak to hard drugs, but I want nothing inside of my body known as bath salts. Maybe Pop Rocks, that'd be a cool name. Or Cotton Candy. I guess the drug didn't look much like Pop Rocks. Okay, I guess I can see some dude tripping balls, stripping all of his clothes off because his "...organs are burning up alive." Then going to town on some poor, hapless homeless guy. Is this just a supreme case of the munchies? And why the hell was the hobo naked? We may never know.

Now, I'm just slightly concerned that there's no zombie references going on here. I mean, he growled and continued to eat after he'd been shot. Okay, so he didn't go straight for the brains, but what zombie does anymore? Maybe he was trying to slowly work his way in. Is this a government cover up? Are they telling the media not to say anything about zombies because they know that it's zombies and don't want to start a panic? The victim is in "critical condition", tomorrow we'll learn that he "didn't make it"; all a ruse so that we don't learn that he actually came back.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. Silly. Stupid. Call it what you will. But, Raven and I have discussed it, we are going to keep a tight eye on the news for the next few weeks. And the minute we see anything fishy, it's up to the Canadian wilds with us.

Origins II of II

            Even more a disappointment than iZombie, is Avenger's Academy (Christos Gage). It's still going. But, I'm hoping it ends soon, to be honest. I've heard whispers that we may see the end of it somewhere during the current "Avengers vs. X-men" story arch going now. I can see it as an easy out for them to get rid of a desperately floundering title.

            Like I mentioned earlier, I was super excited about this title. I picked it up right from the start, seeing the new characters, the new story in a universe that we've known for quite some time. And it started out strong. We get a new cast of five or six heroes, who've all been screwed over by seemingly the worst villain in the Marvel universe currently, Norman Osborne. So, good ol' Hank Pym (one of my personal favorites) steps in and adopts them, brings them to the Avenger's mansion and raises 'em to be good little heroes, instead of the villains that Osborne was vying for. Of course there's the teenage angst, confusion of identity, all that good stuff that you get with regular high schoolers, just add great power and great responsibility. Think a little more organized version of Runaways (whom we just saw in the last two issues (27 & 28). It was crap).

            I have a few complaints about Avenger's Academy. First of all, the artist has changed quite a few times (Mike McKone as artist to Jorge Molina as penciler, back to McKone, to Sean Chen’s pencils, then to Tom Raney, back to Chen, then back and forth more and more, until Tom Grummet joins at 24 is when it gets bad), and the current one (Karl Moline) is really pretty crummy. I loved the crisp lines, the just-enough detail in the background of the first artist. Now it feels too fluid (and not in a good way) to the point of sloppy, too messy to really appreciate the art. The story itself has gone downhill right from the start. I do think that it started out strong and with potential, but it has since then spiraled into a confusing, convoluted clusterduck. There was even a point, when I'd picked up the latest issue a few months back, that I had to stop and look at the past month's issues. I literally had to double check that I hadn't missed an issue, that's how faulty the writing was. It was the issue where, all of a sudden, they brought in a second string of recruits to the academy (“1^st Issue of a New Era” they claim). I had no idea what was going on. And, by that point in the story, it was getting relatively confusing already. Adding another dozen characters in there, for seemingly no reason, made it even harder to follow. Just before the addition of the new team, the Avenger's Academy was sucked into Marvel's universe-wide story, "Fear Itself", issues 15 - 20. (which, I didn't read any of the outlying issues, I just read the nine-part mini-series and the issues that hit Academy. It had great potential, but really seemed like it flopped.)

            Ultimately, it feels as if Marvel just tucked Avenger's Academy into the back of a closet and forget about it, and it's been slowly degrading and melting away ever since. And the reason I hope that the end is in sight is that a) they can end the series with some semblance of dignity; and 2) so I don't feel obliged to buy anymore crap issues.

            And now, the crown jewel of my collection: American Vampire (Scott Snyder). First and foremost, the art in this series (Rafael Albuquerque) definitely needs a mention. We’ve seen a change of artist four times. Mateus Santolouco (10 &11), Sean Murphy (Survival of the Fittest mini-series, 1-5), Daniel Zezelj (12, his art is chunkier, darker, less detail, it’s okay, not my favorite), and Jordi Bennet (The Beast in the Cave storyline, 19-21). This last one was noticeably different, and certainly not as good. But it's back to the old art, and the style that I fell in love with. It was only one of the story lines that I didn't quite dig (coincidentally the one where I didn’t really like the art), but it wasn't terrible. And it was actually crucial to the back story of two of the main characters. The story that just ended (22-25, think vampire Fonzie) had a fantastic little twist right at the end. And the rather short story currently running (only three issues, I think), is very cool. What American Vampire does so well is follow this main idea of vampires, not always following the same characters, but the same general idea throughout the books. They span generations, time periods, eras, but it's the same through line. The writing is top-notch (kudos, Snyder). The reason Matt never picked it up is because he doesn't want anything to do with society's current obsession with the nosferatu, but I think, if you can get past the vampires, it's a really solid read. And you even find yourself routing for the villain (with the coolest name, pretty much ever, Skinner Sweet).

            So those are the first four comics that I really got serious with. I'm reading a bunch more now, and in time, I'll tell you about them.