Zombies, Bath Salts and You

Last week I got scared. I hadn't heard anything about our Miami Zombie case in a while. Then, an untrustworthy source at work informed me that our poor victim had not survived the attack. I mourned the loss, and then kept my eyes peeled to see if I could find any stories about unexpectedly arisen bodies. Perhaps someone having shuffled forth from the morgue, or crawled out of a shallow grave to shamble through a children's playground. Needless to say, I didn't see anything of the sort in the news. So I just assumed that it had happened and the government had kept it quiet.

Then, yesterday, on a whim, right before we closed at work, I checked the news one more time for the day. And, lo and behold, I was presented with this gem. The story, and Ronald Poppo, are still alive.

Just a note, Brian Hamacher and Diana Gonzalez (of NBCMiami.com fame, of course) clearly didn't read my last post. They continue to insist upon using the phrase "face mauled off". No. Bad writer. We don't do that. Bad. *hits writers on collective nose with rolled up newspaper*

Now that that's out of the way. So, the victim is awake, eating, even talking, and shockingly seems to be in high spirits, despite the whole facey-eatey episode two and a half weeks ago. He seems to be doing okay, aside from the infection and the recovery process (the skin over the one remaining eye so that it can heal, eww). On top of that, he's working with social workers and mental health professionals, so it sounds like he's getting some good care and well on his way to recovery (if he doesn't turn).

An important fact coming to light in this article, one that we haven't seen before: before he attacked Poppo, Eugene was throwing his clothes into traffic and swinging on a light pole. Now, if this didn't end in cannibalism, this would actually be a hilarious story. The dude never would have gotten shot, there would have been a naked chase scene through the streets: two over-weight beat cops huffing and puffing after a nude man howling as his bare feet slapped against the asphalt, vaulting off of benches, mailboxes and light posts, tackle waving care-free in the breeze.

They're still making the Bath Salts claim. But, unfortunately, we may not know for quite some time, as they won't release the autopsy info until after the shooting investigation is done. And that could take over a year. Who knows where we'll be in year?! They need to rearrange their priorities and realize that the public is dying to know!

All silliness aside, we've got another instance of Bath Salts here. In my home territory of Upstate New York, no less. Guess the glamorous drugs can permeate all the way out to cow country.

Staties got sent to this lady's apartment because she was beating the snot out of her kid, and it turns out, oh snap, Bath Salts. They used pepper spray and a stun gun to subdue her, to no avail! So, we know two things from Bath Salts. They apparently send you into a blind rage, and you are unhindered by conventional weaponry. What if Bruce Banner was never actually exposed to Gamma Radiation? What if he was just a Salter? (a term I just made up for Bath Salts users, of course. Or what about a Bather. I kind of like that one better. Oh! Or Pretzel Head! Get it? Salt? That one's a stretch...)

So they finally get her into handcuffs, and then manage to get her to the hospital. Where she dies. So, now that we've (at least) two documented cases of Bath Salts, and they've both ended in crazy-face death, let's review. Now, for those two, I'm sure there are dozens of undocumented cases where people went bonkers that we don't know about. But, there are also hundreds of cases where the Bath Salts were taken "succesfully". (I say that ironically, because I can't really see taking drugs recreationally as ever being a success)

That being said, if we're starting to see the results, the potential dangers of using this drug: going insane and dying (certainly things I would consider negative side-effects), then why are people still using them?

Now, this opens up a whole new can of worms about recreational drug use that I don't intend to get into: Why do something to your body knowing full-well that it can do some serious harm?

These two stories are just a start to what is most-likely going to be a rash of cases that involve this new drug and how it obliterates the user. Hopefully the next one will be more comic, less tragic.