First
of all, read those. Go ahead. I'll wait.
Now I
need to provide a disclaimer: were I given much of an option, I wouldn't
voluntarily read news from MSNBC. But, at work, it's the only site that
actually comes through, so that is the main source of my news. I'm ashamed. I
hang my head in virtual shame. I'm more an NPR guy, but, alas, I get it where I
can.
That
being said, let's discuss these articles.
The
first one I read on 5/29. The second I found on 5/30.
My
biggest problem with these articles is: how is there literally no reference to
zombies? "But Nik, it's a credible news source." you say. "Nik,
why would they mention something so trivial, so silly, in an informed news
story?" you ask. Well, for what it's worth, I've seen more poop jokes from
MSNBC news stories than I care to shake a poo-covered stick at. Even in the
more serious news stories, there are sophomoric jokes, blatant typos, and a
general lack of strict journalistic professionalism. A quick example: I just
read an article where they failed to capitalize the last name of the man in the
story every single that they used it. (I rest
my case)
So,
what is stopping an obvious reference in this news story? Particularly with
this current generation's infatuation with the living dead, why not go for the
low-hanging fruit? Especially in our fast-paced media world, when our attention
is 140 characters long, and lasts only as long as the last status update, why
not put something in there that'll grab attention instantly, drawing someone to
read your story who may otherwise not have looked at it?
So this
guy's riding his bike. He comes upon one naked dude literally chewing the face
off of another naked dude.
What do
you do in this situation?
a) Get
off your bike and yell at the chewer to "Get off!"
b) flag
down a police car to handle the situation
c) get
the hell out of there because there is a human being chewing on another, and
you don't want to be the next snack
I
choose c. Am I being silly? Maybe. But my sense of self-preservation is a
little too high to handle a potential Zed unarmed.
Even if zombiism were completely impossible (which, as I'm sure you can tell,
I'm not totally convinced is the case), I don't think that I'd be stopping to
fend off naked-guy-on-naked-guy-chomping-action. The guy's clear bananas, who
knows if he's going to lunge at you next?
Did the officer do the right thing? Should he have
shot the guy or called for back-up and tried to subdue him? Well, it was a
matter of life and death, right? As he's chowing down on this other guy, the
officer had to act, otherwise the entree could die. As it is, the hobo is in
critical condition and missing 75% of his face. What?! That's right. That means
the man consumed "An eye, his ears, and his lips..."
That is commitment. Especially for the eyeball. Those suckers pop. If he'd been
left any longer, the nose'd be gone and he'd work his way down to the throat
next, where those pesky arteries dwell.
Now, they're blaming these shenanigans
on a new form of LSD, known as "bath salts". Frankly, I've never
dabbled in anything other than a little light drinking, so I can't truly speak
to hard drugs, but I want nothing inside of my body known as bath salts. Maybe
Pop Rocks, that'd be a cool name. Or Cotton Candy. I guess the drug didn't look
much like Pop Rocks. Okay, I guess I can see some dude tripping balls,
stripping all of his clothes off because his "...organs are burning up
alive." Then going to town on some poor, hapless homeless guy. Is this
just a supreme case of the munchies? And why the hell was the hobo naked? We
may never know.
Now, I'm just slightly concerned that
there's no zombie references going on here. I mean, he growled and continued
to eat after he'd been shot. Okay, so he didn't go straight for the brains,
but what zombie does anymore? Maybe he was trying to slowly work his way in. Is
this a government cover up? Are they telling the media not to say anything
about zombies because they know that it's zombies and don't want to start a panic?
The victim is in "critical condition", tomorrow we'll learn that he
"didn't make it"; all a ruse so that we don't learn that he actually
came back.
Maybe I'm being paranoid. Silly.
Stupid. Call it what you will. But, Raven and I have discussed it, we are going
to keep a tight eye on the news for the next few weeks. And the minute we see
anything fishy, it's up to the Canadian wilds with us.
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