Hell’s Kitchen Episode Two: How Hard Is It to Cook a Scallop?

            I’ve only cooked scallops a couple times in my life, and each time they were either bacon-wrapped and grilled or in a chowder.  So, admittedly I have never cooked them the same way they are done on Hell’s Kitchen.  That being said, how hard is it to cook a scallop, or risotto, or any of the dishes on that show, especially when you are responsible for one, maybe two things!? 

            We’ll come back to the relevance of that statement.  Now it’s time for the recap.  We start where we left off, with the women fighting.  This happens every year, and usually the producers keep the instigator around long enough to squeeze every little drop of conflict out of them before sending them home (I’m talking about you Elise from two seasons ago, you were terrible).  The main instigator here is the crazy puppet lady, mainly because she rubs everyone the wrong way.  Her main opponent is the fat black girl, and they really lay into each other (just verbally, it doesn’t escalate into anything physical, which is a good thing because I don’t see anyone that could or would get between those two). 

            The contestants go to bed and are rudely awoken mere hours later by the military (or just people dressed in camouflage).  They are shuttled downstairs and outside where a physical, team-building challenge awaits them.  Just as a quick aside here, every contestant was in a state of disheveled when they got outside, t-shirt, pajama pants, just a mess.  All, except for the old guy, who looked like he was ready to start a dinner-service.  I noticed that and I hope Ramsay noticed that as well, because he has now become my favorite to win the competition.  Before the whole thing starts, Puppet lady quits!  She just up and leaves.  Tells Ramsay that she doesn’t have a good relationship with her teammates and that she would like to leave.  While it’s not altogether surprising, seeing an older Italian lady without any fight in her is pretty sad.  Is this what Snooki would do?  Not at all, she would get right up in there and cut a bitch.  I hope she left the puppet in fat black girl’s bed to scare her. 

Anyway, back to the challenge.  They had to scale a wall (the pull yourself up by the rope military obstacle course kind) and dive into a lobster tank to collect lobsters.  Seems pretty easy right?  For the guys it was as they blew through the competition, crushing the girls.  That was only part of the competition though (of course it was) as the contestants then had to butcher the lobsters, providing a perfect presentation of the tail, claws, legs, etc. in order to gain a point.  The side that scored the most points within a set time was then declared the winner.  Easy?  Easy.  Just not so easy for the guys as they were slow and downright terrible at this challenge.  The girls won and got their reward, which was time on a luxury yacht with Ramsay.  I have to think that he actually owns the yacht or something, this guy does the same reward every year, and renting it has got to be expensive. 

            They board the yacht and are greeted with alcohol, sushi and massages.  At this point fat black girl decides it’s a good idea to tell Ramsay that when the military came in to wake everyone up that morning her “hoo-ha” (her words) was out.  Get it together girl, put some pants on.  PTSD is not just acquired on missions in Afghanistan.  If she keeps this up, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ramsay rigs the contests so the boys win just so he doesn’t have to hear about her hoo-ha flapping in the breeze any more.  While this is going on at the yacht, the guys have to take in the shipment of fish for the next dinner service.  This means not only carrying in the boxes themselves, but also cleaning and filleting the fish.  It’s not the hardest punishment in the world, but it gets exponentially worse when they are faced with their “lunch” of fish-head soup.  It looks like just a broth with fish heads boiled in it, basically a fish stock.  This sets many of the guys to gagging, as it should, and none more than the chubby guy (last weeks runner-up to elimination) who starts to gag just talking about it. 

            Okay, fast forward to dinner service the next day.  Everyone has prepped and gotten ready, except for chubby guy, who is lost and slow, and many of the girls that just don’t really know what’s going on at this point.  Dinner service is terrible.  The girls get their appetizers out even though the squeaky voiced girl refuses to cook off the alcohol in her risotto, leaving it a boozy mess on multiple occasions.  They get hung up on the entrees though as the girl that apparently gave Ramsay raw lamb last episode, did it again.  The funniest part is when they were trying to decide who to put up for elimination after dinner service (which they were all kicked out of), she said that if the apps had been done correctly, she would have not put up raw lamb.  That’s funny, and also bullshit.  Luckily she gets called out on it, her response to which is to storm off and slam her bedroom door.  It’s so easy to root against these people.

            On to the guys’ kitchen, where we meet the guy that just can’t cook scallops.  Honestly, to this point, this chef has done nothing to make us even notice him, until he puts up rubbery scallop after rubbery scallop in front of Ramsay.  He and chubby guy are forced to eat an order of the bad scallops while another member of the team, maybe one of the mohawk guys, makes the next batch…which they thoroughly screw up as well.  At this point Ramsay kicks them all out of the kitchen because no one can cook a scallop.  Is it that hard to put a nice sear on a scallop while not overcooking it?  It’s not like these guys aren’t using the best quality pots and pans, so then what, they just don’t get it?  They fold under pressure?  I don’t know, but it’s sad.

            So, up for elimination tonight are squeaky voiced girl and girl that always looks depressed from the red team and chubby guy as well as guy that can’t cook scallops from the blue team.  It should be noted that fat black girl, the one that has exhibited nothing but attitude and the willingness to throw people under the bus is crying the whole time this is going on.  I have no idea why, they’ve only been around each other for what, maybe a week?  Guy that can’t cook scallops gets sent home and everyone else is safe, except for chubby guy who is asked to stay behind and…to be continued.

            I find it interesting how, when individuals are eliminated later in the game, they get a handshake or a hug from Ramsay, while in the beginning stages they are brushed off, as if they didn’t exist to begin with.  I wonder when that switch flips…when they get the black jackets maybe?  I don’t know, but we’ll find out.    

            Tonight we get to see what happens to chubby guy, and the men’s team has a blow up as two of the skinny douchey guys get in eachother’s face and try and start something.  To which we get a nice “come at me bro” moment and one guy saying that he would be okay going to jail.  Okay, whatever, you guys weigh 250 pounds combined, no one is scared.  

See you next week!