The Return Of Hell’s Kitchen, And My Sanity.

            For those of you that are unfamiliar with Hell’s Kitchen, here is the basic rundown.  A group of unlikable, borderline unwatchable, people get together and get yelled at by Gordon Ramsay for our amusement while they try and cook in a restaurant setting.  That’s it.  Oh, and the winner gets a salary of $250,000.00 that they have to work for at a high-end restaurant.  This is not new, as the show itself is in its eleventh season, and Ramsay can be seen all over Fox with a total of four (FOUR!) shows.  This is definitely one of the most watchable though.  Masterchef is the best because we don’t get 100% douche Ramsay, but it is better than Kitchen Nightmares or Hotel Hell (where the only real entertaining part-for me anyway-is when he eats and subsequently spits out all the food that the full of himself chef prepares).  Hell’s Kitchen is definitely a nice primer for when Master Chef returns later in the year though and one that I’ve been looking forward to as, honestly, Tuesday network TV sucks.   

            One thing that seems apparent, even more this year than in previous years, is the Hell’s Kitchen checklist.  Every season there are individuals that will separate themselves as certain stereotypes.  These are the people that we root against.  No one wants the stereotypes to win because they are usually pretty terrible people, many of whom want their fifteen minutes of fame as opposed to actually doing a good job at the task presented before them.  Some of the stereotypes that we have seen so far this season (in only one episode):

            Crazy girl – The lady with the puppet, that’s all I have to say about that.

Person that yells everything they say – You may remember this from seasons past as the loud Southern douche or Tennile, the dreadlocked girl.  This season it’s the one black guy in the blue kitchen.  Not sure why he feel’s it’s necessary to yell when he is talking directly to the camera, but I feel sorry for the sound editors.

Person that won’t shut up – This time it was the Mexican guy who, when introduced to everyone decided it was a good idea to talk in a Speedy Gonzalez voice.  I really wished that was his real voice, inflection and all.  Maybe then I wouldn’t be so happy to see him go home at the end of the episode. 

Douchey haircut guy – This may actually be the douchey haircut season as many of the guys are rocking stupid hair styles, none worse than the guy that got the Hell’s Kitchen logo shaved into the side of his head.

Morbidly obese person – Two women on the red team fit this description, and there seems to be at least one every single year. 

Blubbering moron – These are usually the first to go as they can rarely get out a coherent sentence.  They are also the ones that you see in most of the promos because you constantly see Ramsay losing his shit at them, and really, that’s just good television.  At this point, there are too many of these people to single out just one in this season. 

            So the whole thing starts off with a signature dish challenge which asks the chef to prepare their “signature dish” to wow Ramsay.  The fact that this is done in front of a live audience in Vegas just proves to me that we have gone from cooking competition to full on reality show now.  It’s not that these people won’t be asked to cook, but I can guarantee that now more than ever, Ramsay will be playing up the theatrics instead of focusing on the best chef (until the very end at least).  This is no more apparent than with the jokes and overblown theatrics that went into the tasting of those dishes themselves.  Seriously.  It’s as if Jim Carrey was up there, overacting and generally doing too much to draw attention to himself.  Granted, some of those dishes deserved an overblown negative reaction (seafood corndog, really?) but you could tell that Ramsay was just hamming it up for the audience. 

            I can’t say a whole lot about the contestants this season just yet.  Partially because I refuse to learn all their names as most won’t be around at this point next month, but also because they all clearly adhere to a specific stereotype that the producers clamored for, and therefore shouldn’t really have an identity.  Seriously, does the Hell’s Kitchen application process come with a checklist?  Are you a douche?  Do you weigh 400 pounds?  Do all your colleagues find you unbearably annoying?  You can be the next in line to blubber like a baby when Gordon Ramsay hands you your ass for undercooking scallops.

            All you really need to know about this episode is that all of the male chefs were kicked out except for loud guy, and Mexican guy kept trying to sneak back in only to get kicked out again when Ramsay saw him.  I could make a joke about illegal immigration and crossing the border here, but I’ll let you fill in that punchline.  He was subsequently sent home, which was to be expected, even though the chubby dumb guy that was his compatriot in the bottom two probably gave him a run for his money.  Crazy puppet lady was safe only by virtue of the red team “winning” the dinner service (if you can call it that) but the first time they lose I'm sure she will be put on the chopping block.

              There you have it.  Let the silliness commence.  Watch the new episode tonight and join me back here next week as we recap this week’s episode and see which dumbass is sent packing.