This day in “not news”
-Nik
Really?
Is this propaganda? An allegory for Obamacare? "He's going to kill
us all! Starting with our poor elderly!"
Or
is it the opposite? "We should be so honored to meet the President, that
the proper thing to do afterward is just die. Like this truly patriotic
woman!"
Both
stupid. Still not news.
Flying the friendly skies
-Nik
I
can't believe they wouldn't tell us what she was singing! It must've been
something important. And was she still singing when she got off the plane? I'm
assuming she wasn't when she got on the second plane, otherwise they'd've
commented. So when did she stop?
-Matt – I hope it was “leaving on a jet plane”. I wonder if she changed her song to “Fuck the
police” when they asked her to exit the plane.
Either way, this is what shows like Glee are doing to this country.
Stick to hunting, Uncle Ted
-Nik
This
guy just keeps opening his vapid idiot-hole. Cancel his current "reality
tv show" (if it's still going, I don't even know), and then set up a new
one. "World's Most Dangerous Game." We run a contest to get people to
try out, show their talents in hunting, tracking, hiding, et cetera. Then, the
top five winners get to hunt the Nuge. Each hunter gets the same cache of
weapons, including the prey, but they bring their personal skills to the mix.
Think of it as a higher stakes Hunger Games. Oh shit. The Nugent
Games. Sold.
-Matt- I love the Nuge, but even I know that his outspoken views on
pretty much everything bring nothing to the table. Just focus on hunting and concerts in the
South and you’ll be fine Ted.
You can make a difference
-Nik
This
happens every year. With the more obscure and stupid holidays in the mix now
too. It's bad enough to see Christmas decorations on Halloween. But now, in
July, we're starting Back to School crap already? Oh, and I'm sure our founding
fathers really strove for our freedom so that we could buy a couch at a
discount. Thanks Presidents' Day Sales at Raymour & Flannigan.
Using
holidays to sell shit is getting old, and quite grotesque, really. Every time a
big holiday rolls around, I hear people complaining, "Oh, I hear Christmas
music already and it's only Thanksgiving." "Why would they put up
Christmas decorations so soon? I haven't even finished my turkey yet." And
the like. I agree. Wholeheartedly.
But,
until the consumerist zombies of America
Buddy comedy in the works?
-Nik
Maybe
this is a sign from the powers that be. "This just in: the set of the new Die
Hard movie was consumed in flames today when the fist of an angry god came
down and smote the shit out of the people who thought this would be a good
idea. And now for weather, Skip Johnson."
Bruce
Willis: give it up. Every one of your "action flicks" has become a
blur of shooting guns and shitty lines (watch the trailer for the new GI JOE
movie coming out if you don't believe me).
Sir
Patrick Stewart: I'm just disappointed. (unless you're playing Willis's plucky
sidekick. That'd be hilarious. I'd actually go see it then.)
-Matt- I would pay to see Willis and Stewart in a Lethal Weapon-style
buddy comedy. Just to see Patrick
Stewart say “I’m too old for this shit.”
Priceless.
Cold dose of reality
-Nik
This
is awesome. I'm so happy to see the current generation of kids break out of
their ennui for a second to express their feelings. I do see a deeper lying
problem, though. If Seventeen is claiming that they've never made girls
thinner via photoshopping/digital touch-up, then they've just chosen to
photograph the picturesque skinny girls. And even if the girls are healthy
young models (which they're out there, I'm not saying the magazine's lying
there), it means that Seventeen is making the conscious choice only to
use those kinds of models. You're not being cutting edge using "healthy
models" if the models don't even need a touch up.
If
you want to fairly represent the self-conscious seventeen year old girl that
your magazine is catered to, I want to see a picture of a girl all in black
(lipstick included), wearing long sleeves over her hands and her bangs over her
eyes. I want to see a happy girl who is heavier than what you show. I
want to see her with a big ass smile on her face, eating from a pint of ice
cream. And while you're at it, I want to see the gay theatre guy in there as
well, putting make-up on in the dressing room mirror as he gets ready for a
performance of Rent. (*disclaimer: I'm not saying all theater guys in
high school are gay. I was in every play in high school, and went on to be a
drama major in college, and I maintain my straightness to this day. In fact, I
encourage all walks of sexuality to pursue theater in high school!) And y'know,
put in the brave girl who's not afraid to admit she's a lesbian as well. Show
her holding hands with her girlfriend as they walk down the school hall. And
lastly, I want to see a Hispanic girl, an Asian girl, a black and a white all
at the same lunch table, all of different body types, all wearing different
styles of clothing, laughing and talking together.
If
you're touting equality and the "true seventeen year old girl"
represented in your magazine, show me. You can release as many statements as
you want, but while I still see skinny white girls in your magazine
(photshopped or not), you're just blowing smoke up those poor girls' asses.
(which you pay a lot of money to do in Taiwan
This just in, hot girls attract creeps on the internet
-Matt
Not that stalking of any kind is
funny at all, but come on. Is anyone
surprised here? I love that the first
paragraph of the article says “Kourtney Reppert describes herself as a
glamour model and an online personality. She posts semi-nude photos of herself
online and sends out life-affirming tweets, which has earned her hundreds of
thousands of adoring followers.” Yup,
cuz it’s the life affirming tweets that gets you thousands of followers, not
your tits and ass. If you draw attention
to yourself in that manner, you kind of have to expect it. This doesn’t excuse the stalker because those
were some pretty vicious things that were written, but Kourtney should have not
been so naïve about it. There are many
times where hot women are just ogled online, some quiet sweaty dude in a
basement somewhere while he wife is asleep upstairs, or a teenage boy that is
too shy to ask the girl at school out so he resorts to beating off to pictures
of ass and side-boob. It’s not very
often that it gets this far, but it does, and being an attractive woman
increases those odds exponentially.
Luckily, Kourtney did the right
thing and contacted the police, who found the 47-year old guy, that’s right,
living with his mother. Yup. Way to be the stereotype. Kourtney says that she doesn’t “feel safe”,
and honestly, she shouldn’t. No one
should, especially when their visage is plastered all over the internet for
every perv to beat off to in a public library in Chicago.
As an aside, I would like to apply
for the job of proofreader for these articles.
Obviously whoever currently owns that gig has fallen asleep at the
wheel. Christ, how hard is it to read an
article and make sure that words are used correctly? It bothers me to no end that so called “news
outlets” let something as simple as editing get away from them. At that point you are just a blogger. A dirty, dirty blogger.
Boo Fucking Hoo
-Matt
Is this
really necessary? I get it, your four
year old kid likes Steve Nash, probably because daddy likes Steve Nash, or
because mommy once banged a Canadian guy that looked like Steve Nash, I don’t
know. Why, pray tell, is it necessary to
post a video of your child crying over this?
This is not an isolated incident either, after every popular player
leaves the team they have made a large contribution to we always get the
obligatory crying child YouTube video.
Stop it. Just fucking stop it. This is how sports is. It is a business and nothing is sacred. Your shitty kid crying over it (and you
posting it online like the attention whore that you are) will not change how
sports are managed. Quit exploiting your
kid for pageviews. The sooner you
explain to them that the world is full of disappointment and heartache, the
better off they will be.
Living the American Dream
-Matt
The
supposed best thing about America is that you can be whatever you want to be
(if you have the latent ability or talent and have the money to spend on
refining or honing your skill). So I
guess that we should chalk this up as a win for American ingenuity, but I can’t
see this as a win without wanting to punch myself in the face. Seriously, lady? I don’t care what positive effects cuddling
can have on someone, the fat that I have to pay you $60 an hour just to spoon
you makes me angry. Not an irrational
“burn the world down” kind of angry, but more along the lines of a “who would
believe that guy in the email is a Nigerian prince” kind of angry. I have an idea, if at anytime anyone has an
idea that they think will be great (such as this nugget of wisdom) I will come
over to your house and for $20 and a glass of Kool-Aid I will hit you
repeatedly with a waffle ball bat.
You
are welcome America!
Just Desserts
-Matt
I’m
sorry, I know that these people have to basically survive on scraps and any
chance to get something for nothing should not be pissed away, but if you are
basically stealing fuel and you get blown up, isn’t that par for the
course? Does it make me heartless to
think this? More importantly, do I care?
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